When the sun rises
by redayo
Summary: Can true love exist in the midst of power, war and politics? Hephaestion finds a reason to live when he meets Alexander as a boy, but can that reason carry him into adulthood. Will Alexanders fullfil his destiny even if that means damaging his true loves mind? Hephaestion must decide whether to follow Alexanders destiny or his own.
1. Chapter 1

This is mixture of Alexander the movie and research on Alexander's life. It is not accurate in its timeline and I do not own any of the characters. My version; Alexander would not have accomplished all he had without being somewhat narcissistic in his personality. Hephaestion on the other hand is a hot mess. This is a more elaborate version of A Love Story, which was my first time writing. Please review I love to hear your opinion. BEWARE: sex m/m and cutting. Hope you enjoy.

Prologue

Pella 346 B.C.

Alexander

It was a warm morning, warm enough to cause fog to linger over the grass. I watch from my balcony, as a man on his horse rides up with a young boy sleeping in his lap. I watch as the man swings himself off the horse with the boy under his arm, placing him onto the ground and shaking him to wake him. The boy yawns and looks around. A stable hand comes and takes the man's horse and he and the boy walk towards the house. I see the boy look up at me on my balcony and lift's his hand in a slight wave of acknowledgement. His father who I am assuming is the man with the boy, turns then and kneels in front of the boy who looks about five or six years. I cannot hear what he is saying but I can tell he is being stern, he shakes the boy again and then stands and walks into the palace the boy rushing to keep up with him. I am curious and follow the voices of my father and this man. I hide in an alcove so I can see and hear them clearly

"Amyntor, joy to you, you are well are you not?" My father greets this man.

"Come let's get you some food and drink". It is then that my father notices the boy hiding behind his father.

"Who is this Amyntor?" The boy steps out from behind his father and looks up at my father, he has the bluest eyes I have ever seen, clear and bright he is small with dark hair which only makes his eyes seem bluer.

"Joy to you, I am Hephaestion, I am seven years old" he tells my father with a clear voice. He is older than I thought, his size making him look younger. My father laughs loudly

"Well joy to you Hephaestion, it is nice to meet you". It is then that Amyntor takes the boy by the arm and pulls him back giving him a sharp look. " I am sorry King Philip, I had no one to leave him with, he will not bother us I assure you he has been warned if he distracts me he will be punished" My father nods and they continue to walk towards the hall catching up on news. I follow behind them far enough back to not be noticed. They enter the hall and go over to a table and sit, they are brought food and wine and they continue to discuss whatever they were there to discuss, I am more curious about the boy. Hephaestion sits on the floor behind his father's chair and pulls out a book from his waist band and begins to quietly read. I watch for a while becoming bored; it is no fun watching someone read. I forget about the boy as I go about my day until I see them later as they were walking to leave. I again hide in a doorway so I am not seen. I watch the man walking towards the door already having made the proper goodbyes to my father. He is walking fast with a purpose, the boy Hephaestion practically running to keep up. I see him trip and his book falls to the ground the papers flying down the hallway. His father turns then with a look of anger on his face walking back towards the boy as he scurries to pick up the pages from his book. His father takes him by his upper arm pulling him up, lifting his chiton he spanks the boy hard, four times across the back of the legs and buttocks the bruises forming almost instantaneously. I am shocked I have never seen a father treat his son so harshly. Tears are streaming down the boys face, but he does not cry out from the unjustified beating. His father takes his arm and drags him towards the door, not letting him pick up the book. Leaving the book seems more of a punishment then the spanking, as the boy then digs his heels in.

"No papa, please let me get my book" His father looks down at the boy,

"NO, are you telling me NO?" the father slurs, he seems drunk which is common after spending any significant time with my father. The book must be of some importance to the boy for I would not have tempted this man's wrath.

"I will deal with your defiance when we get home boy" he threatens as he takes him by his already bruised arm and pulls him out towards the door. Hephaestion looks back as I come out from my hiding place and begin to pick up the pages. I wave at him, trying to let him know that I will take care of his book. I have a feeling I will see this boy again, I will not forget those blue eyes, no one could forget those blue eyes.

Chapter one

Pella

342 B.C.

Hephaestion

My father and I live alone together just outside of Pella in a small two room home. My father is a mercenary but has not worked in a while due to his age and his drinking. This has forced us to move from the city of Pella to this small home on the outskirts. My brothers Cadmus and Aetos are ten and eight years older than me and have been gone for five years, visiting when they can. They are both soldiers for King Phillips army. My mother has been gone for three years now. I do not remember her leaving; I only know one day she was here; the next she was not. My father's cruelty and drunkenness causing her to leave, why she did not take me with her I will never know. Her abandonment has left me with a great sadness. I remember that she was a beautiful woman, eyes like mine, dark hair. She would listen to my endless chatter as she went about her work. Answering all my questions as best she could for I asked many questions. "Why is the sky blue? How do birds fly?" she would laugh and tell me because the gods have made it so. "Just as they have made you my son" she would tell me as she hugged me close. I hate her now for leaving me. I was a talkative curious child now I am quiet, shy, scared. I am a constant disappointment to my father he tells me daily in one way or another. I can do nothing to please him. He becomes so violent when he drinks that I try to hide from him. Sometimes he searches for me, wanting to relieve his anguish towards my mother on me, I looked like her. He would yell out for me, calling for me, my stomach would lurch knowing what was in store for me. I would wait hoping he would pass out or lose interest. I would have to time it perfectly, if I waited too long it would anger him more. More often than not I would have to go to him, he would berate me, calling me weak, womanly, telling me that if I wanted to be a soldier like my brothers I needed to toughen up. My father's idea of toughening me up was to beat me mercilessly. I preferred when he would use the belt on me, at least then the beating was focused on my legs and buttocks only making sitting a challenge for a while. Other times he would use his fist, punching me in the head and face causing black eyes, fat lips, punching me in the ribs and back making it difficult for me to breathe. Recently, he slammed my head into the stone walls knocking me out completely. I was dizzy and sick for days, blood came out of my ear. He is going to kill me, I am sure of it. He has no control when he is drinking and I am small.

I have lived in fear since my mother left. She either protected me from him or he was not like this, I do not know, I remember little of life when she was here. I do not know why I cannot remember my mother leaving. It seems as if I have missing holes in my memory. I do not ask my father for any information, he does not talk of her; ever.

Sometimes I have nightmares about her, my mother. She is covered in blood, lying on the floor. Sometimes I see this image of her out of nowhere while I am awake and a panic overtakes me. My heart would pound out of my chest, my breathing coming rapidly. My father calls them fits and says that it is because I am weak. I do not remember feeling safe but I know at one time I felt it; when my mother was here.

I am sheltered here in our little house far from neighbors. I have no friends, only my father.

My father has allowed me to continue my education. The boys from school ignore me and I am grateful for it. I would not be able to play with them anyways. School is my only escape I look forward to it, my teacher tells me how well I am doing and I feel a weird flutter in my chest when he says these things. I do not know what to do with his compliments it does not matter, for any encouragement is quickly smashed to bits by my father's fists.

I hope that when I go from this world it is quick; like when I was knocked out, never to wake. I do not want to suffer first I feel as if I have suffered enough for this life time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

I have drawn attention to myself for my school work. I love to read, anything to take me away from here. I do well in arithmetic and geography. I love anything that is structured and set. It is what it is, nothing more. It is calming for me, a constant. My teacher, Lebbaios has informed me that he has talked to a few people he knows and that there is an opportunity for me to study with Aristotle. I immediately shake my head No, my father will never let me go. My teacher looks at me with a knowing look. He knows why I am fearful. He has seen my father's abuse on me. There was no way he could not. I could not hide the black eyes, the bloody lip, the welts and bruises on my thighs and body, the absences due to damaged ribs or a dislocated shoulder. He tells me to not give up hope just yet; that he has a few ideas that might help. I try not to think about it, I do not trust that anything will come of it. It fills me with hope and I cannot afford to feel hope for I always end up feeling the opposite; despair. I have wronged the Gods and this is my life.

It is summer and we were off school for the harvest. I am cooking a stew over the fire. I do all the cooking and cleaning and washing there is no woman to do it. It is a hard job and makes me think that women are not as weak as men think they are.

I see out the window that Lebbaios my teacher is riding up to our place with two other men, I am filled with anxiety. My father is sleeping in his chair he has been drinking all day. I rush out to meet them I need to convince them to leave before my father notices. I tell them he is not home just as he walks out the door. I am caught in a lie.

"What is going on Hephaestion" he bellows. I begin to stammer, a quirk I had begun doing ever since I was knocked unconscious. My mouth having a hard time putting words together when I was nervous. My teacher saves me by introducing himself and his companions to my father and asking if they could speak with him. My stomach twists.

They speak for hours, I serve them dinner and drinks as they discuss how my father will benefit from allowing me to go. That King Philip remembers him and that the King himself will pay for my tutorage as payment for my father's service to him. My father could not refuse this offer it would be an insult to the King. My teacher and his companions leave after it is settled that I will go. He pats me on the top of my head and winks at me as he leaves.

"Do well Hephaestion, do not disappoint me" he tells me as he rides off.

I am to start school today I am so excited I barely slept. I pray to the gods that nothing happens to change my father's mind. My father can be very unpredictable. I had tried not to get my hopes up about leaving here to go to school to be taught by Aristotle. I do not think I could survive the disappointment.

I wake up before dawn and pack quickly I do not have much to bring my father never allowing me much, saying comforts would only make me weaker than I already was. I sit and wait for any noise confirming that my father has begun to wake up. As I see the sun beginning to rise I leave the dining area where I sleep on the floor near the fire to the one room in the back. I find my father passed out in his chair with a bottle of wine near his feet, empty. He does not stir snoring loudly. I feel my heart beat increase knowing my day is not going to go as I planned. My breathing comes rapidly and I am shaking I go outside to see if the fresh air helps. This panic that comes over me affects me physically I feel a churning in my stomach I cannot catch my breath. I do not understand why I have these fits, it scares me.

It is noon before my father finally comes into the living area, I hide outside waiting for him to tell me he is ready, not wanting to force the issue in case he says I cannot go. Has he forgotten that I was to leave today? Has he decided for some reason not to let me go? Should I risk punishment by asking? I peek through a window watching him as he opens another bottle of wine and pours himself a healthy glass. My brother Cadmus arrives home at this time catching me peeking through the windows.

"What are you doing there Hephaestion? Should you not be on your way to school?" he questions me, jumping off his horse putting his arm around my shoulders. He has always been kind to me, protecting me when he could from our father's rages.

"Papa is just waking up now" I tell him quietly.

"You should have already left hours ago" he exclaims, exasperated. Cadmus has never been afraid of our father; he is brave and will be one of the top officers for Phillips Army soon. He barges into the house calling out to our father. I follow him in, hiding behind him. He sees the state our father is in, drunk already and it is only the afternoon.

"Father you should of left already if you are to get Hephaestion to school on time, why are you drinking so early?" he questions. My father snorts and pours himself another drink.

"He will get there when I am ready to take him and no sooner" he informs us. "Come here boy" he shouts at me. I go to him trying to stay just far enough away from him that he could not reach me if he were to strike out.

"Leave him be father" Cadmus tells him in a menacing voice as he rummages to find something to eat. My father ignores him and reaches forward to grab my arm and pulls me closer to him. He stands then, towering over me drunk and mean. I cower from him, I know he hates when I do that but I cannot help myself; it is like a dog, instinct.

"Do not embarrass me in front of the King or his son Alexander, you will do well and stay out of trouble or I will make sure you regret the day" he hisses at me. He releases me and I step back away from him, knocking over the jug of wine.

"You clumsy fool" he screams out. I fall to my knees trying to upright it before it all spills out. He takes my hair in his fist and pulls me up to my feet. My brother tells him again, to leave me alone, but he is not really paying attention he is focused on one of his friends riding up. My head is screaming; _Don't go Cadmus! _ He walks out; yelling out to his friend. I break free from my father's grip and run into the bedroom not realizing until I am there that I had just cornered myself. My father follows, throwing me onto the bed. He takes off his belt and I curl up trying to protect myself from the blows I know are coming. He strikes me again and again as if he knows he will not be able to for a while, getting his fill. I am sobbing, begging him to stop; why does he hate me? Why can't I do anything right? I do not want to start school with bruises what will the others think? The belt strikes my bare thighs making a sickening sound cutting into my flesh. My brother finally comes in and takes the belt from him shouting at him to stop. He shoves him away from me; telling me to get up and get my things he will take me to school. I get up from my bed as quickly as I can, taking my bag and running out the front door. I hear my father and brother yelling at each other as my brother follows me out. He jumps up onto his horse offering me his hand as he pulls me up onto his lap. Hugging me to him as we ride off, I can hear my father cursing after us. My legs are screaming from the movement of the horse on my welts but I do not care, I am leaving this place, I will never go back, I will kill myself before I ever go back.

We reach Mieza early in the morning it is still dark, the house servant greets us. My brother hugs me one last time.

"Health to you, dear brother" he tells me kissing me "You will do well here I know it" he smiles at me. I begin to cry, I feel as if this will be the last time I see my brother.

"Hephaestion, you are a smart boy, you belong here" he kisses me once again and then rides off. I am lead inside and shown my room. I enter it quietly, trying not to wake my roommate. It is dark and I cannot see, I bump into a table and knock off the bowl placed there. It shatters on the floor waking my sleeping roommate. I am surprised when he offers to share his bed with me for the rest of the night. I am so grateful, crawling in beside him I fall asleep almost instantaneously, a hard sleep I do not hear the morning bell.

I wake with a start, my heart pounding. I do not know where I am at first. I see my roommate looking at me as he washes his face.

"Joy to you" I say politely.

"Joy to you" he returns and continues to watch me.

"My name is Hephaestion." I introduce myself.

"I am Alexander" he informs me. Searching my face to see if I am aware of whom he is.

"Joy to you Prince Alexander" I nod. He smiles at me; he is golden, like the sun. Blond hair, tan skin, his eyes the color of gold, I feel an energy from him; a heat. I wash my face and try to change quickly so he will not notice my bruises. I hear him gasp as I try to pull my chiton down over myself. He pulls it back up to examine me. I am mortified. I tell him it was from a fall and he seems to believe me.

Alexander has not stopped talking since I had awakened. Informing me of our class schedule, the names of the other boys here and who their father's are, his favorite subjects. I have barely said a word and he seems not to notice. I am glad for it, taking the pressure off of me. He walks us to the banquet area to eat. I am starving not having eaten anything since the day before yesterday. Alexander sits with me watching me.

"Slow down there Hephaestion" he warns me as I shove food in my mouth quickly. I slow down glancing over at him, I want to please him. He smiles at me; approving my slower pace. I feel a flutter in my stomach. He seems to be watching over me; introducing me to my other classmates, walking with me to the class area, sitting next to me on the bench. I am so grateful words cannot say.

I am in awe of Aristotle so much so I cannot speak when asked questions. I feel like an utter failure by the end of class. I am worried they will realize their mistake and send me home. Alexander seemed to know my thoughts as he hugs me to him

"You only just arrived Hephaestion, you have had little sleep, don't be so hard on yourself" he laughs as he yells out "Tomorrow is a new day." I have never met anyone like him, he was sure of himself, of his beliefs, of his place in life. I had no idea of what I would become or what was expected of me. I seemed to have a constant knot in my stomach, a fear of some disaster that always seemed to loom above me. I am drawn to him like a moth to flame.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Alexander

I am to begin my teaching with Aristotle; my father convincing him by promising him that he could use the Temple of the Nymphs to teach myself and the children of his most trusted Generals and Mercenary's. We are to be taught Physics, Meteorology, Geography, and Theology. I am excited, I will be with other boys my age, most I know already from their fathers. Nearchus, Cassander, Philotas and Perdiccas were already here when I arrive.

We all had to room with someone and my roommate was Hephaestion. He is younger than the rest of us by almost two years. I complain to my father

"Why do I have to room with him?" I whine. His father cannot be of much importance for I have never heard of him before. My father tells me that I must be this boy's mentor he says that Hephaestion is smart. That it is good practice to begin making alliances at my age; I will be 15 soon. He tells me that these childhood bonds are hard to break.

When I arrive I complain to the others about the injustice of having to room with a child. They all agree and offer to take him. I know none of them really want too and that they are just telling me they will because of who I am. I hate that I can never know for sure if people are telling me the truth. Not even my parents, in fact they were the worst each calling the other names, telling me to not trust the other. It is exhausting and I end up disliking both of them. My mother tells me that I am the son of the God Hercules, that I will be Alexander the Great some day. My father tells me I will not amount to anything if I continue to be breast feed by my mother. It was confusing as a child, now I know their pattern. I realize it is a game that we all must play to survive this time.

It is tempting to take my friends offer, use their fear or admiration for my benefit. But my father is right if I am to be King I must start making alliances now.

Hephaestion is the boy I had seen with his father, the boy with the blue eyes. He is shy and quiet and it seems his father's abuse that day continued for him. When he arrived his thighs were black and blue with strap marks. I felt a deep concern for him, protective of him. I begin sitting with him for our meals and during classes. He is smart always thinking, we go back and forth in achieving highest honors in class. He is humble and grateful for even the simplest of things, never asking me for anything except to spend time with me. This makes me want to do things for him. He becomes embarrassed by it, telling me that he has nothing to give to me. I can think of one thing he could give me, but I do not push it. He seems so fragile in some ways. I feel as if I needed to protect him, guide him. I would have to remind him to do basic things like eat or brush his hair; he would work all night on a lesson and then leave it in our room when it was time to turn it in. How can you be so smart and so forgetful at the same time? When we first met and I realized who he was, you could not forget eyes like his. I waited until after I got to know him some and then I told him about seeing him that day with his father and brought out the book he had dropped that day. I told him that I had saved it all this time knowing I would see him again. I almost regretted it, he broke down when I handed him the book; it scared me. I had never seen such sadness in my life. He held the book in his hands and began to shake violently. Hugging it to his chest he dropped to the ground and rocked back and forth. I crouched in front of him

"I am so sorry Hephaestion, I would not of given it to you if I knew it would cause you such pain" I told him trying to take it away from him. He held on tight.

"No, No Alexander, it is ok, I am happy you kept it, it was my mother's" he tells me as he takes a ragged breath trying to calm himself. His hands shake as he opens it, turning the pages. I brush the hair away from his face and sit behind him pulling him to me, holding him as he clutches the book to his chest. He tells me about how his mother had left him and that he could not remember really when or why. He tells me about his father and his brothers and his life and I am overcome with sadness for him. I want to kill his father. I want to take all the hurt from him. I share with him my own family drama and tell him that we can survive this world together. I tell him he is Patroclus to my Achilles the story in his mother's book. He smiles at me and kisses me on the lips. It was our first kiss, it was timid and soft. I kiss him back letting him know that I felt the same.

It has been a year since Hephaestion arrived here for me, sent here by the gods as a gift. I have made a lot of progress with him and think I will soon be able to claim him. I have already lost my virginity and frequently go to the whore houses with the boys. I have also bedded a few of the servant boys. I want him badly. We have not slept apart since that first night, it took over a month's time before he could sleep through the night without a nightmare; waking me up with his cries, kicking me. I would hold him close whispering to him that he was safe, that I was there. He would calm down then, snuggling into my chest, hugging me, nestling in my neck our legs in tangles. It would take all my efforts of restraint to not take him then.

We could talk for hours usually about the books of Homer. I liked the way his voice sounded, his gestures when he talked. I would play with him while he talked, kissing his neck, sucking on his ear, walking my fingers up his thigh, he would stop my hand and become all flustered.

"Stop Alex! Are you listening to me? Did you hear what I said?" he would exclaim. I would repeat what he said verbatim, which always produced a smile that would take my breath away.

I could tell when his feelings for me changed. I could not touch him without him getting an erection. I would tease him, standing innocently beside him as he spoke with Aristotle running my fingers up the back of his leg under his chiton. Within seconds he would have an erection, his hands would automatically go there drawing attention. Aristotle would get all flustered sputtering and spitting "Well that just natural for a boy your age."

Hephaestion would be so mad, not speaking with me for hours. I would beg for forgiveness promising to never do it again. He always gave in to me, hugging me. "I cannot stay mad at you Alexander" he would tell me. His quiet ways and gentle soul were the complete opposite to my aggressiveness, my stubbornness. His father's abuse and abandonment by his mother made him distrustful, any sudden change in our routine would cause him distress. He could go from being talkative, excitable going from one idea to the next with no connection in the process. He would fight with the other boys and talk during class getting us both in trouble. He would then become distraught barely able to get himself out of bed. These times would scare me I did not know how to help him during these episodes. He would sleep all day, he would cry but could not tell me what had caused it. I would read from one of the Homer books we had, snuggling with him in bed waiting for it to pass.

Hephaestion understood me in a way I have never experienced before. He knew my deep pains, mirroring them in his eyes. His eyes showed a deep hurt, a life of pain. Gods how I loved those eyes. They understood my hatred for my father how I only wanted his love, my love/hate relationship with my mother. Hephaestion understood all of it for he too felt the same. We seemed to complement each other's moods, my Achilles heel was anger and impulsiveness which Hephaestion seemed to have none of; he could calm my anger by just taking my hand. Often keeping me out of trouble I surely would of ran towards had he not been there. He would whisper to me, his quiet way working better than commanding, which only seemed to dare me and spur me on more. I in turn helped Hephaestion come out of his shell encouraging him to answer questions in class to participate in team sports but I was always careful to keep him close. Not wanting him to stray too far from me, you could look at it as me being protective or possessive either way he was mine. We were each the other side of the same coin, each having the same feelings of distrust and hurt but they projected from us in different ways.

The first time we slept together was an unexpected surprise. I was always trying to fuck Hephaestion waiting for him to tell me it was ok. I would randomly kiss and fondle him, to see his reaction. It was a challenge not to force myself on him, I was getting impatient.

It was a day just like any other. I watched him during class he looked particularly good this day. He twisted his hair when he was nervous and it was just by chance that it laid in an organized manner. The sides twisted away from his face, showing his eyes, they seemed to burn into me.

I was supposed to go down to the town whores that night I needed to go for some release. I was seventeen and thought about sex all the time, sleeping next to Hephaestion did not help. He knew that I wanted to take our relationship further how could he not. Every night I'd fall asleep with a raging hard on to the point it hurt. Every night I would think maybe tonight he will let me; it was torture of the worst kind. I realized then that sex could be the downfall of great men the need was overwhelming.

I still do not know what made him decide to consent I only know that once it happened I never went back to the whore houses. There was no need for my true desire was right next to me every night and I took full advantage of it.

The day it happened I waited for Hephaestion to come out of the classroom I was going to fuck with him a little before I went to the whore house, a little foreplay. I tell the other guys to go ahead without me. I will meet up with them there. I leaned against the wall and waited for him to come past me. I see him walking towards me smiling, _Gods why do you torture me_. He drops some of the scrolls he is carrying and as I help him pick them up as I run my hand up his leg, I take his face in my hands as we stand; kissing him my tongue.

"What do you want me to do?" he whispers into my mouth

Is he saying what I think he is? I look into his eyes searching for any doubt.

"You're not going to tell me no?" I ask him

"Tell me what to do" he asks me, as he kisses me back. I almost growl. I take him by the wrist and lead him back to our room; reminding myself to be gentle. I sit on the edge of the bed and pull him to me brushing the hair away from his face pulling his face down towards mine, kissing his eyes, kissing his mouth, kissing his neck. He sighs and my heart sings, this is going to happen, I almost cannot contain myself. I run my hands up the back of his legs rubbing my forehead on his stomach wanting there to be nothing between us. He puts his hands on the top of my head. I run my hands up his thighs to his hips pushing his chiton up. His hands taking hold of my hair. I stand and pull his chiton off, then my own. I kiss him, my tongue touching his. I suck on his bottom lip pulling his body up against my own; feeling the heat from our flesh. I sit back down on the edge of the bed running my hands along the sides of his body down his hips to his thighs. Holding the back of his thighs pulling him to me I kiss his stomach and chest. I want him badly, I have waited long enough. Holding his hips I lead him back a bit, taking his cock in my mouth. I hear him inhale sharply which spurs me on; I suck on his cock my tongue protecting it from my teeth. He moans, pulling my hair and cum's quickly. I stifle a laugh remembering my first time. I still have a hard time holding out, but Hephaestion reminds me how far I have come. I look up at him he looks shattered and I laugh out loud pulling him on top of me and then rolling with him so I am on top, I kiss him passionately.

"We are not finished" I inform him looking down at him. His eyes are questioning me and I am reminded of his innocents.

"Are you frightened" I ask him. He laughs, shaking his head.

"No, I want you Alexander" he says softly, smiling at me. I groan and kiss him again brushing the hair from his face. I have a small vial of oil that I was going to use in town, I open it looking down at Hephaestion I coat my cock with some and then pour a little on his belly. I kiss him again moving down to his chest, licking and sucking on his nipples running my hand over his oil slick belly. He arches his back a little, pressing his skin into my hands; moaning. His response to my touch is crushing. I move my hand down between his legs taking his cock and running my hand up and down it slowly. He leans up kissing me using his tongue, learning fast. I begin to finger him getting him ready for me, he is panting, murmuring my name. I watch him as his passion builds and I whisper

"Phai my love" It is the first time I call him that "My Phai" I roll him onto his side. I am behind him as I pull his body up against me, taking my cock I gently push. Slowly…

"Breath Hephaestion" I whisper in his ear

"Focus on how good it feels" I direct him

I feel his body relax a little and I begin to move, hugging him to me; his eyes are closed; he is whimpering. I move my hips, back and forth, slow. He relaxes a little more, I pump a little faster. I hear Hephaestion gasp, his fingers digging into my hip, holding me to him. He moans and it sends me over the edge, I pump faster, holding him tighter. He cries out.

I feel a hot wetness on my arms, I cum with him. I hold him to me for a while kissing his neck "Do you love me now Alexander?" he asks.

"Yes I love you" I hug him to me "My dear Phai." He rolls over to face me

"Can we do it again?" he asks smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

Pella, Macedonia

Hephaestion

School will be ending in a month. Alexander is 17, I will be 16 soon. Alexander has somehow convinced his father that I should move to the palace as a page. I will not have to go home. Mieza has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I did well there top of the class, second only to Alexander. Alexander made me feel as if I could do anything I was so fearful for so long.

It took a while for me to trust him but once I did it freed me in more ways than one. I had held back having sex with Alexander scared that I would ruin what we had but I would become so jealous when he would go to the whore houses it was confusing. What was I so scared for? I trusted him, I wanted him what was I waiting for? Once I gave myself the permission it was like a dam breaking. I could not get enough. I wore Alexander out that first month. We had sex every night, multiple times. The minute we were alone I was on him I was insatiable. It took a couple months but Alexander began pushing me off of him.

"Enough Hephaestion" he would say exasperated.

"I need to save some energy for other things" he would tell me. I was hurt, if sex meant he loved me then what did this mean? I backed off; learning to wait for him to want me. He seemed to use it as a way to control me, that he could withhold it and it would torture me. He knew I would not go to another. My whole world was now Alexander. He was the sun that burned up the dark clouds that had surrounded me for so long. The other boys would tease Alexander about me calling me his shadow, Alexander's closest friends tolerated me a few felt a distain for me, Cassander being one of them. I tried to stay away from him, never being alone with him if I could help it. I believed he would harm me if he had the chance. When Alexander would have to go home for one reason or another and I was left here; Cassander would become even more aggressive in his harassment of me causing me to have what I can only describe as episodes. He would work me up into a frenzied state, my mind racing, worrying. Alexander would come back to me and I would be so exhausted from the worry that I would sleep for days.

I moved with Alexander to his home in Pella. Not soon after, he informed me that he would be leaving soon with his father to battle the Greeks at Chaeronea. I will stay behind. It would be the first time we are separated for such a long period of time since we met. I can feel the darkness hovering over me like a cloud.

Our relationship has become difficult we are no longer in the protective bubble of Mieza, free to do as we want. We now had watchful eyes upon us Alexander's mother in particular had eye's everywhere. She had a purpose for Alexander and would not let anything or anyone come in-between her orchestrating her plan. She often put Alexander in the middle of her disputes with Philip; testing Alexander's loyalty to her. She was constantly telling Alexander what a pig his father was, telling him that Philip was trying to sire an heir that would replace him from his rightful spot on the Throne. Alexander wanted to prove to his father that he was worthy of becoming King. Olympia, his mother had different plans for ensuring Alexander's destiny.

The night before Alexander was to leave I went to his room for now we each had our own. I was worried and scared that this might be our last time together. I did not want to burden Alexander with my doubt he was excited about the chance to prove to his father that he could and would be a formidable leader.

I sit cross legged on his bed watching him pace as he tells me about the strategies he believes will end this war and give them control over Greece. My mind is racing, every horrible scenario that could come to be flashing across my mind. My stomach hurts, my heart is pounding my hands begin to tremble. I hear my father's voice in my head _you are weak. _ Alexander takes me out of my head by jumping onto the bed pulling me down with him.

"Do not worry Hephaestion I will be fine, the gods will protect me, I will be Alexander the Great; our story is just beginning" he tells me. He has read my mind. My chest tightens I cannot take a deep breath. I roll over onto my side away from Alexander, not wanting him to see me. I curl up bringing my knees up towards my chest trying to catch my breath. I have not had a fit like this in a while.

"Hephaestion, please" Alexander whispers in my ear pulling me into his arms

"Phai, it will be alright I promise" he tells me. I roll over then looking down at him, kissing him. My lips touching his softly; timid almost I run my hand through his hair kissing him a little more roughly, using my tongue. I sit on top of him pulling off my chiton leaning down so I can kiss him again. His hands travel up my thighs grabbing my ass. He sits up pulling me to him, hugging me so he can flip me over onto my back, a wrestling move I used on him many times. He is eighteen now, his body more like a man then a boy. I had just turned sixteen and was just beginning to build my frame. He did not seem to mind, as he sucked on my neck leaving bruises, my breath coming rapidly for a whole new reason. He rolls off me getting out of the bed. I give him a questioning look as he grabs my ankles pulling me to the edge of the bed. I laugh Alexander could always make me laugh. Taking the oil by the side table he coats himself and me as he pulls me closer to the edge of the bed placing my feet on his shoulders he enters me, I am no longer laughing, I moan. He pumps into me slowly I take my own cock in hand and match his rhythm. I dig my heels into his shoulder as he hold on to my thighs and pushes into me. Building up speed until we both yell out. His hands leave bruises on my thighs. I hope they stay till his return, a reminder of our last night together.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five

Pella

Alexander

It has been a year since I have been home. The Greeks are now ours, agreeing to join the Hellenic Union. My father is proud of my accomplishments there. I am excited to go home, see my mother and Hephaestion. My father and I arrive home together, we are surrounded by his Advisors and Generals and go directly to the hall to eat and drink and discuss the advantages of controlling Greece. Philotas, his father Parmenion, Clitus and Craterus are with us. We drink and eat and brag about the battle, we are all glad we are home and can sleep in beds tonight most of us planning on not being alone. I must go see my mother soon but I am dying to see Hephaestion. I feel different now that I have seen battle capable, confident, a man.

My father is drunk and is grabbing at the women and men that pass by him. I decide that this would be a good time to sneak off talk to my mother for a while and then go find Hephaestion. Standing, I tell Clitus and Philotas that I will return soon, I see Hephaestion walk into the hall, he searches the room for me. He looks different older, taller, bigger. His body looks more muscular he has put on weight; which he needed. We make eye contact and he smiles that smile that crushes my heart, I get a hard on. We walk towards each other. I pass him; taking his arm and leading him back towards the door, out into the hallway. I push him against the wall and kiss him passionately.

"Joy to you, Alexander" he laughs.

"I have missed you" I tell him staring into his eyes, he is only a tad shorter than me now, his arms are strong, his voice deeper. I can only image what his ass feels like, his thighs, I groan.

"I must go see my mother" I inform him as I look around and then kiss him again.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks and I laugh as I remember this same question our first time together.

"Give me an hour then meet me in my room" I instruct him taking his face in my hand, rubbing his cheek with my thumb, looking into his eyes. I have dreamed of those eyes. I groan again and walk down the hall towards my mother's room. I will make this visit short.

Hephaestion

Alexander is home. He is alive and well. I feel nervous, butterflies in my stomach. I know I look different I had been training since Alexander left. Not wanting to be left behind again. I vowed to be ready for battle when they returned. I trained daily and made sure I ate more. I had the habit of forgetting to eat and had to force myself sometimes. It paid off, feeding my muscles what they needed to grow. I seemed to get taller over night causing my legs to ache terrible some nights. The routine kept the darkness away, taking my mind away from the constant thoughts of what could happen. I trained hard, wanting to be so exhausted at the end of the day that I would just fall asleep, too tired to think.

I wait for him in his room, pacing the floor. I knew our reunion would be intense but I did not realize; I have never experienced this type of feeling an overwhelming feeling of excitement and need. _Why is he taking so long? _

"I will not let my mother ruin our homecoming" He tells me as he barges in walking towards me. He pushes me up against a pillar, kissing me.

"Don't you want to talk first" I ask. His reply is kissing me again; pulling me off the ground onto my toes running his hands up the back of my thighs squeezing my buttocks.

"You look good" he says in between shoving his tongue into my mouth. I want him badly too, we can talk later.

He takes my hands holding them above my head pushing me up against the pillar, kissing my neck. I want him badly, I needed him, I wanted him naked, I pull our hands down; holding them behind Alexander's back pushing myself off the pillar I walk him backwards towards the bed. I pull off his chiton and my own, pressing my body against his; feeling the heat from him. The smell of him, I had missed it. He runs his hand down my chest following the trail of hair from my belly to my cock taking it in his hand as he continues to kiss me, pulling on my cock. His other hand is holding my head as he inhales my mouth. I push his hand away from my cock; I am overly sensitive; it's been a long time. I kneel in front of him. I take his cock in my mouth and he moans running his hands thru my hair. I suck on his cock moving my head back and forth, until he pulls it from me, he cannot wait either, pulling me up and on top of him we lay onto the bed.

"I have missed you" he tells me again. I feel tears in my eyes as I think of the darkness that lingered around me when he left. I kiss him again and straddle him; he rubs my thighs as he presses into me. We are looking at each other smiling until he takes my cock in his hand, running it up and down my shaft. I lean my head back closing my eyes and moan. He thrusts up into me and I need to lean down on my arms; our faces inches apart. He pulls my head down into his neck as he pumps harder, he moans into my ear as he cum's my ear feels moist from his breath. Sparks flash across my eyelids and I groan as I bite his neck climaxing onto our chests. I lay on top of him sliding on my own cum to his lips kissing him, biting the other side of his neck. He flips me over looking down at me smiling.

"I am home" he informs me.

I smile "Yes you are, welcome home Alex"

"All my welcome homes shall be this good" he commands

"I can go with you now, no need for a homecoming, we will not need to part" I rush using this opportunity to inform him that being apart is not necessary.

"What?" he asks, a questioning look flashes across his face.

"I am strong now, I have been training I can fight with you Alexander" I kiss him.

He leans back from me, looking down at me.

"You have decided this?" he asks understanding now what I am saying

I sit up, "Alexander I am ready, I do not want to be left behind again, waiting like a woman"

He pulls himself away from me. He leaves the bed to pour himself a glass of wine, looking back at me.

"This is not your decision to make Phai" he tells me "I will decide if you are ready, I have seen battle, I will be the judge if you are ready or not"

"Alexander I am not twelve any longer I am seventeen, you say this because you still see me as a child" I inform him.

"No, I do not see you as a child Hephaestion; I can see with my own eyes that you have grown strong that does not mean you are ready for battle. Besides, it is not the strength of your body that I am worried about." He looks at me searching my face for understanding.

"Are you saying I am weak of mind?" I ask, angry at him for bringing it up.

"What will you do with me then? Eventually I need to have some purpose besides fucking you" I challenge him.

"But you're so good at it Phai" he smiles at me trying to lighten the conversation, distract me.

I get up from the bed picking up my clothes and dressing quickly I walk towards the door I am mad.

"Fuck you Alexander, I am more than that, I can do more than that." I continue.

"Where are you going?" he asks I can hear anger in his tone.

"To my room…" I want Alexander to see me as an equal not some boy, stomping out of the room is probably not helping my argument but I have used all my lines of reasoning and I'm fucking mad. Alexander pushes back as he always does when he is challenged.

"You will leave when I tell you to leave" he commands. I stop. I do not want to ruin our first night together. I turn to face him; he is already near me and takes my neck in his hand, his thumb pushing my chin up so I am forced to look at his face.

"I will not let you put yourself in danger if you are not ready. Remember your place Hephaestion; do not think just because we fuck you can manipulate me. If something were to happen to you because I let you convince me in a moment of passion I would never be able to forgive myself." He kisses me and releases my neck. I am mad and become quiet I cannot look him in the eye. He walks over to pour himself another glass of wine looking back at me. I stand there not knowing what to do next. His status over me leaves me with no other option but to do as he tells me.

"I will have you train with Clitus; if he says you are ready I will allow it" He tells me; giving in to me.

I smile "That's all I ask Alex, give me a chance to prove myself to you."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Alexander

I watch as Clitus draws his sword. Hephaestion is ready for him, blocking his strikes. Hephaestion is in full armor, he looks formidable. I am told that the training is going well. I am worried though as I noticed that Hephaestion was very talkative the last couple of days and I can tell he is becoming manic. I do not know what sets these episodes off; I only know that he is fine for a time, capable in his duties, mild in his temperament; quiet, always thinking, observing. Then out of nowhere it seems his temperament would build; peaking then crash down. These frenzied spells are always followed by melancholy. When he is manic he becomes highly energized needing to be constantly busy. He becomes sexually promiscuous, insatiable; a symptom I must admit, I do not mind. This is usually followed by a sadness that takes over him, rendering him incapable of participating in even the most mundane of daily life. If he were to have an episode while we are at war…

Hephaestion finishes his round; he is hopping up and down in front of Clitus who grabs him by the helmet trying to still him. I ride up, getting off my horse.

"How's it going Clitus?" I ask looking over at Hephaestion who is now practicing with Cassander. I wonder if Clitus notices his change in behavior or if I am just sensitive to it.

"All is well Alexander" Clitus inform me. We watch the men in silence.

I am reminded of the conversation I had with Clitus in Chaeronea. Clitus knew Hephaestion's father. He told me that Phai's mother did not leave as he was told. She had killed herself, cutting her wrists and bleeding to death. There were rumors that Hephaestion was the one who found her. It could not be possible, he thinks she left, ran off. He would of told me if it were different. His mother was actually Amyntor's second wife, his brothers having a different mother who died of illness. Amyntor had met Hephaestion's mother when she was working at a tavern. She was already pregnant with Hephaestion; she was a beautiful woman that Amyntor fell in love with at first sight; he married her to give her child his name. How Hephaestion father and brothers could keep this from him I do not know. I did not think telling Hephaestion now would matter; it might only make things worse for him; I did not want to tempt it. When Hephaestion would have his lows I would think of her, was it something in the blood? I worried that he too would take his own life that it was passed on from mother to son. I shove the thought away, there is no reason to dwell; it only causes me distress.

Hephaestion

I am doing well in my training Clitus has informed me that I am ready. I have learned hand to hand combat tactics along with cavalry tactics. I train with the other men. Cassander, Philotas, Perdiccas. Cassander has been harassing me daily; he has always done so. He hates me and thinks that I get special treatment. He tries to humiliate me during training exercises; playing dirty by punching me in the sides and back as I try to dress in our armor making it hard for me to catch my breath, hiding my helmet so I am not prepared; anything to make me look weak like a failure. I do not tell Alexander this; he would only say something and make it worse for me. I must handle this on my own. I try to anticipate what Cassander will do next my mind becomes obsessed with it. I cannot let it go I am not sleeping well or eating. I am jumpy and easily excited I see Alexander watching me noticing the change in my behavior which only causes me to worry more. He loses his patience with me telling me to quiet down; shaking me. He looks more worried than mad. I cannot keep my hands off of him begging him to have sex with me, we both look exahusted. This last for about a week, I begin to feel the tide shift. I am so tired; I pretend I am sick. Alexander knows I am lying but covers for me with Clitus. He comes to see me every night, sometimes staying till morning. I am ashamed. This is what he was talking about when he said he did not think me strong enough. Why does this keep happening?

"Please Alexander, just go I am fine" I would tell him; not wanting him to see me like this. He would crawl into bed with me and pull me to him, holding me. He would read from our favorite book my mother's book; Homer's lliad "The Trojan war story." I would fall asleep to the sound of his voice.

When I am finally able to start back with training it feels like the first day. I am so sore, I can barely move. I am back to forcing myself to eat, needing to gain back the weight I lost during my episode. Alexander watches over me, knowing a routine keeps the episodes at bay. He becomes mad if he sees me playing with my food, I can become so distracted; he forbids me from leaving the table until I had eaten everything on my plate. It does help, making me feel stronger. The cloud is beginning to lift.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Alexander

My father is to marry again. Her name is Cleopatra and she is Macedonian. Some suspect she is already pregnant. My mother is furious whispering to me every chance she can

"See Alexander, I told you he was going to replace you, you must kill him Alexander it is the only way" she hisses at me like one of her snakes.

"I have a plan Alexander, if you ever want to hear it" she slithers. I stay away from her as much as possible, avoiding her.

I am at the celebration for my father's bride. He is sloppy drunk and he disgusts me. Hephaestion is with me I look at him and he smiles trying to cheer me up. He is doing better now. Clitus comes stumbling by grabbing my face, kissing me. "I love you man" he tells me drunk and happy. How I wish I was; but no I am sober and mad. I call for more wine as General Attalus, Cleopatra's uncle, stands to make a toast. I am handed a full goblet of wine as he yells out to the crowd,

"Too King Philip, may he finally have an legitimate heir"

That little fucking prick did not just say that. I stand pushing Clitus out of my way as I throw my goblet at him. It hits him in the chest, red wine splashing in his face. Hephaestion takes my arm and I shove him back charging at the General. Clitus and Philotas hold me back. My father stands and I yell out to him

"You will let him disrespect me. You will not defend me. You are a drunken fool"

He charges at me tripping over a couch leg, falling to his face. I stand on the nearest couch and announce to the attendants

" Here is a man who was making ready to cross from Europe to Asia and who cannot even cross from one table to another without losing his balance" I look down at him with a look of disgust, then jump to the floor and walked out. I take my mother and Hephaestion to Epirus. If he were thinking of making me King, he would have defended me. I decide to talk with my mother.

I am determined to fulfill my destiny. In order to accomplish this I must make choices that tear at my conscious. I am encouraged by my inner circle; they too want me at the helm. My father had become weak and sloppy his ambition dwindling from drink and women. It is only I that can liberate the Greeks from Persian rule. I converse with my followers from my mother's home in Epirus, discussing the how and when.

My father is assassinated, stabbed in the heart by Pausanias; there will be no trial as my bodyguards take vengeance for me killing Pausanias on the spot. I am crowned King and order Cleopatra's child to be executed. I will not be challenged now or later. Rebellion breaks out in areas that were loyal to my father. This happens whenever a new leader takes over; the people like to test your strength. I come down on them hard, slaughtering and selling into slavery 30,000 Greeks in Thebes before leveling the city. Let that be a lesson to any who will question my ability, my determination. Now we must begin our destiny; conquering the Persian Empire they have ruled long enough.

We confront the Persian army at the river Granicus, near Troy. Parmenio commands our infantry his son the Companion Cavalry. I ride with the Cavalry, along with Hephaestion and Clitus. My life is saved by Clitus during this battle solidifying any question of his loyalty to me. We take 2000 prisoners and I execute thousands of Greek mercenaries that refused to support me. It must be done there is no way I can leave them to rejoin Darius.

We follow Darius's army to Issus; the Pinarus River runs red with Persian blood. Darius was present at this battle but escapes leaving behind his mother, wife and children, showing me the type of man he is. I feel justified in my pursuit of Darius by this, how cowardly he must be to leave his family to fend for themselves. I treat them kindly as I would my own family. Darius returns to Susa, Babylon gathering men. I suffered a thigh wound at Issus and as I tend to it I decide to send Parmenio to occupy the Syrian Cities. I will march down the Phoenician coast. We have no problems as all the major Cities surrender to me. We reach the Island city of Tyre and begin a seven month siege.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight

Tyre

Hephestion

We have become a traveling City, following Alexander in his quest to conquer the Persian Empire. Our city settles; surrounding the island of Tyre. Alexander's advisors tell him to leave it and continue to move into Egypt. Alexander of course is stubborn and refuses not wanting to leave any city under Persian rule. I am ready for a stop. It is not as if we are resting really, there is much to do but we usually have the Greeks do the hard labor. I have slept on my horse for two nights and will be glad for ground. I supervise the building of Alexander's tent then go about setting my own up, next to his. I go to Alexander after; to see if he has settled well and if he needed anything. The guards announce me; it is bothersome but necessary.

"Alexander, you are well?" I ask him.

"I'm fine Phai" he answers. I can tell he has been drinking.

"Stay with me tonight" he informs me. I go to him and take his wine glass so I can re-fill it. "Good Gods Hephaestion, you stink, have you not bathed yet?" he tells me waving his hand in front of his face.

I laugh "Are you sure you can wait?" I lean towards him trying to kiss him. He pushes me away. "I can wait." He tells me as he smiles at me.

I go to the water. I need the cold, wake me up; shock my nuts, I can barely feel them. Two days on a horse will do that. It felt good the water on my naked skin. I wash myself and float on the top of the water staring up at the moon.

The moon looked the same anywhere; it is the same moon over my father's house, the same moon over Mieza or Pella. Only the circumstances on the ground are different. I hear someone coughing and look towards the beach, it is Clitus.

"Joy to you Clitus" I call out.

"Joy to you Hephaestion, Alexander is well?" He inquires.

"Yes he is settled" I inform him as I walk out of the water to my clothes. Clitus watches me boldly. I can feel myself blush; my face feels hot, I look down at the ground.

"Really Hephaestion? After all we have been through together you're going to act shy?" he shakes his head at me.

"I'm sorry Clitus" I apologize. I pull my Chiton over my head and down over my body, it clings to me, I forgot to bring a towel to dry off. I am always forgetting something.

Clitus is like a wall, tall and wide in the shoulders. He pulls off his own clothes; I glance over at him; he is big everywhere. I feel my face become hot again; looking away. He takes my face in his hand

"Stop apologizing Hephaestion, I am not Alexander." He walks away from me then, into the water. I watch after him. What did he mean by that?

"Health to you Clitus" I call out to him.

"Health to you Hephaestion, sleep well." He shouts back as he dives under the water. I walk back to Alexander's tent.

Alexander is lying in bed when I return, reading a letter from his mother. I crawl in next to him pulling the fur blanket over myself resting my head on his chest. He runs his fingers through my still wet hair, taking out the knots. He tells me about the letter from his mother. I fall asleep to the sound of his voice.

I wake some time later hot and sweaty; Alexander's arm is laying across my chest his leg over mine. I flip the fur blanket off of me letting in cold air, turning onto my side to get Alexander off me. His arms encircle me and he pulls me to him, back under the blanket. Even in his sleep he controls me.

Alexander is drinking more lately, he reminds me of my father. I can sometimes see a look, a look my father would get when he was drunk and about to beat me. He would not, not Alexander. He could be bossy and quick tempered but he has never hit me; but I am fearful of him sometimes. But then I am fearful of all men.

My mind goes to a different subject. What did Clitus mean, he was not Alexander? Was he implying that I was always apologizing to Alexander or that Alexander always expected the apology to come from me? I have been apologizing my whole life; somewhere in my head was the belief that I was not worthy. I could not rid myself of it. Clitus always challenged this thought. When we were training in Pella, he would tell me how smart I was, that I would be useful to an army. He would say that Cassander better be careful because one day I will be a higher rank than him. I would laugh.

"Alexander would never let me" I would tell him.

"Why? Does only Alexander control your destiny?" He would ask.

"Yes Clitus he does, where have you been?" I tell him sarcastically.

He would shake his head at me

"You have a smart mouth Hephaestion" he would tell me.

It did get me to think, Alexander could not control everything. I began participating in our meetings. I looked at things mathematically I could see the bigger picture when we thought strategies where we would need to set up camp, where a supply line should be. My ideas were used in many a battle; Alexander makes me a General. Cassander was livid we were the same rank now. He was gaining an ally with Craterus. He too thought that I was promoted because I fucked Alexander. I needed to keep my eye on them.

It has been six months since we arrived in Tyre. I was at the outskirts of camp speaking with the commanders, finding out what they needed to complete the bridge to Tyre's wall. Their City was a fortress we were losing many men in this fight. I was beginning to agree with the others that we might want to let it go. We still had to confront Darius. I was writing in my book; things we needed, things I needed to do, not watching where I was going. I walk right into Cassander. He pushes me back.

"Look who we have here" he tells Craterus who is behind him. They both reek of wine just having left the tavern. My heart pounds.

"Health to you Cassander, Craterus" I say as I try to walk past them.

"Health to you; health to you; you just got here don't you mean Joy to you?" Cassander slurs at me.

"No Cassander I meant what I said" I inform him.

He walks around me, circling me. Craterus doing the same in the opposite direction. I am fucked my only recourse is to move fast. I take off in between them; they chase me through the camp cornering me. I fight them off for a while but Craterus gets behind he, he holds me as Cassander punches me in the stomach. I fall to my knees. Craterus takes my hair and pulls my head back as Cassander leans over me telling Craterus "I bet if we fuck him Alexander will move on from him. Alexander will not want damaged goods." Craterus laughs.

"I think you might be right there Cassander, one of the reasons Alexander holds so tightly to Hephaestion is because he has never been with another." Cassander circles me again as I kneel on the ground.

"What do you think Hephaestion? Do you think Alexander will still want you if you've been fucked by another? Or do you think he would finally get rid of you? He will probably be relieved; thank us for it, you have been a burden since our school days." I have to get out of here now. Craterus pushes me out in front of him I quickly put one foot on the ground, Cassander and Craterus come towards me shoulder to shoulder. I fake to the right and then go left, jumping over Craterus as he tries to grab my legs. I run down to the beach running down to the other end where I had bathed. I fall to my knees in the sand. I had lost Cassander and Craterus farther back they had given up. I was getting closer to Alexander, safety.

The panic hits me like a sword across the chest. I cannot breath I drop down onto my hands and knees. My body is convulsing I lay in the sand on my side waiting for it to pass.

I am shaken awake by Clitus; it is morning. He has a hold of my neck lifting my upper body off the ground as he shakes my chest. I push him away.

"What the fuck Clitus" I snap at him, I am sore, my head is pounding.

"What the fuck Clitus? What the fuck? We have been searching for you; what the fuck indeed!" he bellows. He looks mad and worried his brow wrinkled.

"Can you stand?" he asks. I take his forearm and pull myself up as Clitus stands. I feel dizzy and like I could get sick. Clitus steadies me.

"What happened Hephaestion? Why are you out here?" Clitus asks as he takes the sides of my face turning my head so he might examine me better; tilting it away from him as he looks. I take hold of his forearms trying to push him away.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" he questions me, manhandling me; trying to pull up my Chiton to inspect me. I continue to push his hands away from me, it is no use he is determined. I let him.

"I must have fallen asleep" I lied; I do not want him or Alexander to know that I had one of my fits and passed out.

"Come, Alexander is beside himself" Clitus tells me as he takes my upper arm leading me back to Alexander's tent.

As we walk closer I see soldiers rushing in and out. Clitus barges in pulling me along with him; announcing that he has found me. I am embarrassed that I have caused so much trouble. Alexander rushes over to me and begins to inspect me just as Clitus had. I do not resist.

"I am sorry Alexander I did not mean to make you worry" I tell him. I cannot look him in the face, I am embarrassed.

Once Alexander was satisfied that I was well, no serious harm had come to me he became angry with me, shaking me.

"Where were you? Who were you with? Answer me now Hephaestion" I look over at Clitus feeling overwhelmed by the commotion.

"He was at the beach, Alexander. I found him there sleeping, he was alone." Clitus tells him for me. Alexander looks at me with a look of suspicion.

I cannot believe that he would even doubt me for a second. I have been completely devoted to him since the day we met.

"Alex?" I try to take his arm. He yanks it from me going over to the wine. Clitus comes near me taking me by the back of the neck, shaking me slightly.

"He was alone Alexander." He says for Alexander's benefit as he leans over; inches from my face, "defend yourself" he whispers at me. I look him in the face then down at the ground.

"Thank you Clitus that will be all" Alexander commands. Clitus squeezes my shoulder as he walks out.

"Alexander why would you think I was with someone else? I have never given you reason." I tell Alexander as I walk towards him, reaching out to touch him as he pours himself another drink; it is early. He turns to me giving me a sour look.

"Cassander and Craterus said they had seen you at the tavern, Why would you go there Hephaestion?"

"I was not at the tavern I was walking past it, coming back from the site. It takes only the words of two men, who you know hate me, for you to find me guilty?" I exclaim. He shoves me away.

"You do not understand, you were the only one that I did not feel suspicion with. Now…" Alexander trails off.

"What are you saying Alexander! That because of this; you don't trust me anymore!" I can feel my chest tighten. My hands begin to shake. Alexander takes me by my upper arm and pushes me towards the door.

"Leave me I need some time to think." He informs me coldly. I dig my feet in, hugging him to me. I am desperate.

"Alexander!" I beg. He pulls my arms off of him and shoves me out the door telling the guards that he wants to be left alone.

"Let no one in" he commands as he looks at me. I stand at the flaps of Alexander's tent for what seemed like forever until I feel hands on my shoulders leading me away. I am lead back to my own tent; it is Clitus.

"Hephaestion, Hephaestion" he shakes me.

"I do not understand what just happened, I-I-I do not understand" I am shaking on my own, my breathing coming rapidly. Clitus pushes me into my tent away from the views of others. He pours me a drink handing it to me I swallow the whole cup. It burns my throat; it is pure, strong. My stomach feels warm and I feel myself slow a notch; I hold the cup out for more. Clitus brings the pitcher over and pours me another glass along with himself

"No one should drink alone" he tells me. I drink half of it in one gulp, then the other. The buzz goes right to my head. Clitus slaps me on the face.

"Feeling better?" he laughs. I laugh too and almost fall over.

"Whoa there Hephaestion, it does not take you much ehhh?" he tells me as he steadies me on my feet.

"I do not drink Clitus, one of us needs to keep their wits about them" I snort referring to Alexander. Clitus laughs a deep belly laugh.

"There's that smart mouth again; Am I the only one privy to it?" he asks.

"Maybe" I answer. I exhale slowly as I feel calmer. The wine is helping; Clitus being here. I sit on the edge of my bed; tired all of a sudden.

"Now what, what do I do now Clitus?" wanting someone to tell me what to do.

"Hephaestion, there is not much you can do, let him calm down a bit, everything will be fine, he would never part with you" he sounded sad almost. Clitus had such a no nonsense way of looking at things. It was logical not emotional, it calmed me. I nodded at him.

He sits in my chair after moving it to face me. He is slouched down, one long leg out in front of him the other bent with his drink on it, looking at me knowingly.

"What really happened Hephaestion? Why did you stay away?" he asks.

"I told you I fell asleep" I lie again, I do not trust anyone. I cannot trust anyone. He stands then finishing his drink he walks over to me taking me by the shoulder and squeezing, patting me on the back.

"You will be fine, I will check on you tomorrow" he leaves then leaving me alone with my distrust, my worry.

Alexander forgives me two days later; Letting me back in the folds, making me more nervous than I already was; It was not enough that I do not sleep with any other but I must not allow for even the thought that I might; a doubt. I get some relief when we capture Tyre and move on towards Babylon and Darius. We almost catch him at the battle of Gaugamela but he again gets away, I am wounded in the arm when we turn back from our chase and run into the retreating Persian Cavalry. We move into Babylon, into Darius's palace replacing him.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Babylon, Persia

Hephaestion

Alexander was changing. The battles in Gaugamela had turned his body into pure muscle; his face had matured with the responsibilities of war. He had become a King in his own right eclipsing his father's reputation. He had always been sure of himself and his purpose, arrogant.

Now he had proof, he was welcomed into Persia as a god, a savior, intensifying his beliefs in himself. I on the other hand, I am back to feeling the same as I did at 13, my need for Alexander never waning, my insecurities festering just below the surface of my mind. The other Generals have time on their hands; I am a source of amusement to them. They call me the Kings whore heckling me but now Alexander has taken a new lover; a true whore, Darius's boy, a eunuch. We do not discuss it; I am expected to accept it.

The threats come more often as Alexander's interests become divided between me and his new lover Bagoas, it leaves me vulnerable. The taunts and leers become bolder without the protection of Alexander, harassing me, using me as a surrogate for any misgivings or grievances with Alexander. I often sported a black eye or fatten lip from fighting off their rough advances. Something Alexander seemed to not notice. Cassander being the most aggressive of the bunch he seemed to take great pleasure in humiliating me. My anxiety over these new assaults was increasing. I would often become overwhelmed with fear of leaving my room. At these times my mind would race, the fear of what would become of me if Alexander ever left me to the wolves would cause me to panic. My breathing would come rapidly, my hands would shake.

I would take my knife then and cut into my flesh to feel the pain and let the panic drain out with the blood. This bloodletting had become a new ritual for me, more often it was becoming the only way I could muster the strength to leave my room.

In the battle at Gaugamela, we had all fought side by side the comradely that can only be produced by war is like no other. The intensity that you feel when you kill many men is indescribable the only thing getting you through is worrying about the man next to you more than yourself.

Here in Babylon, we began to distrust each other. Everyone having their own agenda pushing anyway they can to get it met. It was an environment that ate away at my psyche, I was not meant for it. It was not meant for Alexander. It produced a frightening dynamic. Alexander has changed; his obsession with conquering Asia taking center stage. He becomes more demanding. He is rarely told no.

The secret desires of each of Alexander's Generals become more apparent when we settle. Alexander is told by Craterus and Coenus that Philotas knew of a plot to kill Alexander that he kept it to himself which makes him just as guilty as if he were to of plotted it himself. Alexander forgives him at first but is later convinced that he could no longer trust Philotas, or his father Parmenion. Philotas is tortured and killed. Alexander sends Clitus, Craterus and Coenus to kill Parmenion before he hears of his son's death. Alexander is hurt by this betrayal, becoming more distrustful, he has been drinking a lot; he feels his control weaken. The only thing that Alexander knows he can control is me.

As I think back Alexander has always tried to control me:

After we had begun sleeping together his controlling nature became more intense; sex giving him a power over me that I did not understand. Our first time together I had never felt such love I had something with Alexander that no one else did I felt special, wanted, loved.

Alexander loved to test his limits with me pushing my boundaries telling me that if I loved him I would allow it. We were a good match sexually; his wicked sense of passion and my willingness to try anything. I loved sex; it took me away from the here and now and it felt good. But I was shy, not wanting to share.

We had all went to the ruins Cassander, Nearchus, Philotas, Alexander and I. We often would come here to drink and talk. I was sitting in between Alexander's legs on some steps from the ruins Alexander was running his hand up and down my thigh as he spoke telling the story of Hercules the mortal who became a god. I stopped his hand as he was giving me that tingly feeling that I felt when we had sex I did not want to embarrass myself in front of these older boys, Alexander's friends. He wrapped his arm around my neck, my chin in his elbow pulling my head over to his knee he whispered into my ear.

"Do not deny me Hephaestion you will regret it" It was the first time he ever threatened me, telling me in no such terms that he could and would take it all away if I displeased him; I sat on my hands. He continued with his story and the rubbing of my thighs. His friends were coming closer no longer occupied by their games instead they were watching Alexander fondle me.

"Hephaestion loves this story, don't you Hephaestion?" Alexander smirks. I had an erection and his friends were laughing. I try to stand so I might run off, embarrassed.

"Hold on their Hephaestion" Alexander grabs my wrist holding me there.

"No need to waste that" Alexander winks at his friends and leads me off to the back of the ruins

I hear his friends laughing as I am pulled behind Alexander. I am angry, furious.

"Why did you do that Alexander?" I shout at him

"What are you talking about" Alexander questions innocently

"You were touching me like you do when we are alone Alexander, in front of your friends!"

"Why would you do that? Why would you want them to see us together like that?" I am crying now; embarrassed. Alexander has a look of shock on his face

"I did not mean to hurt you Phai" he tells me as he kisses me

"I was just teasing you" he kisses me again

"Alexander I do not want them to see us together, can't you understand that?" I ask

"Of course my dear Phai" he whispers appeasing me. He brushes the tears from my face

"You liked it though" he tells me as he continues to kiss me pushing me up against a stone wall

"When I touch you here" he runs his hands between my legs touching me.

My breath quickens my erection answering for me

"How about when I touch you here" he asks as he kisses my neck and pulls on my cock

I nod my head as I inhale sharply

"Tell me sweet Hephaestion, do you like it?" he taunts me

Pulling on my cock rubbing the tip with his thumb

"Tell me you want me, tell me to fuck you"

He continues kissing me, lifting me into his arms I wrap my legs around him as he leans one hand against the stone wall the other hand holding on to my ass. I moan kissing his neck pulling his head back by his hair.

He groans "Say please fuck me my King"

"You are not King yet Alexander" I tell him defiantly

"Say it Hephaestion" he growls at me as he pushes into me, pain and pleasure; my breath hitches I grunt. He sucks on my neck driving into me.

"Fuck me my King" I moan as I rock up and down, his hot breath on my neck.

"Say it again" he says smiling wickedly up at me as he thrusts, the tension in my body building

I smile back at him wanting to please him, needing to please him

I feel a tension that takes my breath away. I close my eyes so I can focus on it

_Don't stop, not yet, I am almost there._

"My King, Alexander my King!" I shout out as I cum

Alexander moans as he begins to thrust harder slamming my back against the stonewall I can feel his cock getting bigger, harder. He grunts as he cum's

"The gods have blessed me with you Hephaestion"

"My dear, dear Hephaestion" he whispers as he releases me back to the ground pulling down my chiton, kissing my face.

"Don't ever leave me Phai, I could not survive without you" he tells me

My heart skips a beat, my mind already excusing his earlier behavior.

Alexander

Babylon, what a beautiful city, the people, the markets, the palace; I could stay here forever.

Who am I kidding I am bored already; If it were not for the Persian Bagoas I would have lost my mind already. I like battle, the battle of wills, who will win, the strongest. I know now that this is my destiny. I will not relent.

We all get nervous when we settle for a time. It is then that we question what we are doing.

Hephaestion suffers the most; on the war path Hephaestion is sure, strong with a purpose

Here he is alone with himself; nothing to do but wait for me. I never like to be alone with myself, you only think about how you could have done something differently, critiquing yourself. I lose patients with Hephaestion I tend to treat him the worse when he needs me the most. I do not know what to do to help him and I do not like to feel helpless. I felt that enough with my parents and try to avoid it at all cost. I am distracted from Hephaestion's turmoil by Bagoas, he is a delicious distraction, but this only causes Hephaestion more pain.

Hephaestion

My neediness is becoming tiresome to Alexander. I can see it in his face. He has spent a few nights with Bagoas leaving me alone with my rejection. I will not mention it, what is there to say?

Don't go

Stay with me

Choose me.

I have some honor or maybe I am just too tired to fight with him. Either take what he gives, or leave. I could not leave; for I too am Alexander. What would I do without him? I neglect myself just as Alexander neglects me. Mats have formed in my hair. I could not get through them so I end up cutting them out. It would be too difficult to have them under a helmet. They had to be taken short giving me a strange look short all around with a long piece in the front that I was tucking behind my ears. Alexander will be mad and I am glad of it. It is a petty way of getting back at him. I can really do nothing to him except ruin myself.

Alexander

As I walked back to my room after spending some time with Bagoas, I know I will have to deal with Hephestion. He has been having difficultly handling his moods; the cycle returning. I am pissed that I even have to worry about it. I am King. Son of Zeus for god's sake I am not expected to be faithful. My time with Bagoas did not take away any feelings for Phai. It was different and I wanted that right now. The pressures are getting to me, I am drinking more; we need to move out soon.

I open my door with anticipation for what scene was behind it and find Hephaestion standing at the balcony reading. I stop, he looks different. He has cropped his hair; it looks choppy and exposes his neck. A long strand hangs over his close set brilliant blue eyes.

He takes his hand and runs it up the back of his head looking sheepish.

I get an instant hard on.

Holy Hades, he looks hot.

I walk over and run my hands through it myself, it feels soft and clean, brushing the long strands out of his eyes. I grab a hold of the hair at his crown and pull his head back and kiss his neck.

He pushes me away, I am a little drunk and have a raging hard on.

I shove him up against the balcony pulling his head towards my chest, rubbing it on my bare chest. Pushing him back I kiss him roughly, and bite his neck.

_Hephaestion god how you make me crazy, _

He looks younger like when we were boys and I want him badly. I will not take no for an answer. Not that Hephaestion has ever told me no. He seems to understand this and allows me to push him down on to his knees. I pull my cock out and he takes it. I rake my fingers through his hair holding his head still as I shove my cock deep down his throat. I hold it there until I hear him gagging, I lean my head back allowing Hephestion to continue, every couple of minutes holding his head so I can shove my cock deeper down his throat.

It feels unbelievably good.

I could almost cum right then.

I grab the base of my cock to stop myself, yanking it from Hephaestion's mouth. He stands; his hair is messy and sticking up where I had been holding it. I take hold of his upper arm roughly and direct him over to the bed. My roughness mostly from passion and wine, for there is no need to force him, he is willing. He is wearing only Persian style pants and his own erection is noticeable. I yank them off and shove him onto the bed on his back. I bite the inside of his thigh leaving a mark with my teeth. I bite the other thigh. They will bruise.

"Move back" I growl at him, he rolls over to crawl farther on to the bed

I grab the oil and coat myself as I crawl after him. I take him by the waist he is getting thin again, my hands almost encircling him. I pull him back onto my cock, we are both kneeling his feet between my legs, I have both my arms around his waist and my cheek against the back of his neck as I slowly thrust into him.

Whispering into his ear "My Phai"

I moan over and over picking up speed. Hephaestion is stroking himself and I feel him tighten around my cock as he cum's nudging my own climax. It was quick and good, not the welcome I was expecting, but Hephestion could always surprise me. I leave the bed to clean up and look over at him.

"I cut my hair" he states

"Yes, I see that. I like it" I smile; I like it a lot.


	10. Chapter 10

Hephaestion

Chapter 10

It seems as if we have been in Babylon forever. There is talk of a conspiracy Alexander is watchful. The secrets and lies are getting to him bringing out the worst in everyone. Everyone handles this pressure differently, Alexander drinks; I cut. I keep this from Alexander, my new found cure for my anxiety. I have not seen Alexander in a couple of days and go in search of him. I know where he is, it was late in the evening as I walked into the center of the palace the festivities were already in full effect with everyone drinking and dancing and fucking. Alexander is watching a wrestling match between Cassander and Crateros. The other generals were yelling and betting on who would win the match. Alexander notices my entrance and beckons me over.

"Hephaistion, there you are, come here, you were always a great wrestler you should wrestle the winner" he exclaimed. Bagoas was standing behind his chair with his hands on Alexander's shoulders. I felt my blood boil at his closeness. I nodded and prepared myself for the next match, hoping Cassander would win so I might have the opportunity to wrestle him. His hatred for me was known by all. The sight of Bagoas puts me in the mood to show my abilities and who better to take it out on. It was to be my lucky night as Cassander pinned Crateros and was claimed the winner.

I entered the arena.

Alexander

I sit with Ptolemy watching as Hephaistion enters the ring. Cassander takes the first move. "Alexander may I be honest with you" Ptolemy inquired.

"I would hope you were always honest with me Ptolemy" I huff as he distracts me from the match.

"Hephaistion? Do you grow tired of him?"

"Tired of Hephaistion, Never, why do you ask such a thing."

I yell out as Hephaistion wrestles his way from under Cassander's grip, pinning him down for a win.

"Do the men think that my interest has waned?" I ask

"Yes, there is talk; of course no one would dare touch him until they were sure you had moved on." Ptolemy assured.

"Hephaestion is mine and mine only. I will extinguish their hope on this matter immediately." I announce. I am a little drunk and angry that my men were always trying to take what was mine.

I stand; walking over to Hephaistion, I grab his arm lifting it, proclaiming him the winner. I pull him into my chest hugging him close I whisper "Come, with me" Hephaistion smiles. I lead him over to a curtained off area situated near the wrestling arena. It was a small room sectioned off by thin cloth. Candles have been left lit; they cast shadows of the people within the room. I know that the men have seen me pull Hephaistion into the room. I will show them that only I can satisfy Hephaestion. I know Hephaistions body better than my own, I know exactly what it takes to excite him. I pull off Hephaistions tunic and shove my hand down the front of his pants. I kiss his neck, sucking on his earlobe.

"This is unexpected" he says sounding a little confused. He does not wait for an answer; always ready for sex. He runs his hands up and down my back pulling off my robe. I come up behind Hephaistion making sure he is facing out towards the crowd, dipping my hands in the oil left there by servants reaching one hand around his waist I take a hold of Hephaestion's cock stroking it at a slow pace taking my other hand I began to prepare him for my cock. Hephaistion is leaning his head back his brilliant blue eyes closed; blocking out the fact that the wrestling matches had ceased as now the men were watching the show behind the curtain. I enter Hephaistion pushing in slowly, pulling out half way, pushing back in. Each time pulling Hephaistions cock in the same manner, he moans. He is speaking in Macedonian

"Faster my beloved, more" Hephaistion groaned.

I began to move faster grabbing his hips to control his movements digging my fingers into his flesh wanting to bruise him leave him marked.

Hephaistion takes his own cock in hand as I am pushing and pulling his hips driving him onto my cock. He moans. I encircle his waist with one arm pulling his face back with the other I whisper into his ear.

"You are mine Phai, only I can give you this pleasure"

"Only you Alex" he pants, his breath coming in short bursts.

Hephaistion whimpers as I angle myself lower thrusting up into him. He cum's his muscles contracting around my cock, bring forth my own climax. He relaxes up against me as I continue to thrust into him. I kiss his neck murmuring claims of never ending love.

As I am cleaning up I notice Hephaistions forearm, there are small cuts, or slashes in a neat row from his elbow down to his wrist some already healing and leaving scars others looked fresh.

I grab his wrist pulling his arm so I might examine these cuts more closely.

"What is this Hephaistion?" I ask

He yanks his arm back covering the cuts with his other hand.

"They are nothing" he tells me.

"Who did this to you" I demand

"No one Alexander" He cannot look me in the eyes.

"Please Alex do not make a big deal of this" Hephaistions pleads

I think of his mother, I do not have time for his insecurities' I want to shake him scream at him to snap out of it.

"I will get us some wine" he offers wanting to end the conversation.

I touch his face nodding, too tired to address it now.

Hephaistion

I walk over to where the wine was being served. I am relieved that Alexander did not push the issue about my arm. Clitus is standing near I have not seen him in a while.

I smile at him "Joy to you Clitus" He smirks at me as I pour two glasses. I can tell he is drunk. "Is that the way you think you will earn the men's respect Hephaestion?" He slurs at me.

"I have no idea what you are talking about Clitus?" I exclaimed.

Clitus laughs "faster my beloved" he says in Macedonian making a moaning sound. I feel the blood leave my face. I looked around and see other knowing eyes on me; Cassander is off to the side with the others making a rude gesture, like he is holding someone's head as they give him a blow job; the group looks towards me and laughs. They do not need any more ammunition to use against me, I feel the panic rising. These panics are overwhelming I feel as if I am going to die. I have only one way of relieving it. Clitus is staring at me.

"You did not know we could all see?" He asks. I shake my head, no.

"Excuse me Clitus" I say as I leave the wine and retreat into a dark corner making sure I was not followed, I pull out my knife: I had to stop, I could not, I will have to hide it better.

I kneel down onto the tile, lifting my chiton I cut a deep line down my upper thigh, exhaling as I feel the pain and release. The blood flowed down between my legs at a faster pace than I had anticipated, the cut was deep. I breathe in and out slowly, smiling to myself. I will not be able to stop this, I don't want to stop. I put my hand over the gash and squeeze to stop the blood flow. I watch as blood flows from between my fingers this excites me somewhat. If the men knew this I would really be in trouble. I stand and watch as my chiton sticks to the wound, my chiton is dark so it will not show. I wipe the blood off my legs and wait to see if it continues to bleed. It does not. I walk back to the drinks hoping our glasses were still there; they are and so is Clitus. I see a flash of him naked in my mind and I blush. Ugggh I am weak and he is dangerous I tell myself. He looks me over as I walk back to the glasses he does not say anything to me. I glance at him with only my eyes trying to read his body language. He is so tall; he has black hair that hangs in his face and a short beard that has grey hair in it. His eyes even seem black. I see him again naked in my mind and I know he is hairy, dark hair on his chest, down to his stomach, down to his cock. I feel my own cock move. I push it down and he smiles at me like he knows. I take the glasses and nod at him as I walk back towards Alexander. He has left with Bagoas leaving me holding his wine I am surprised he can even want to go another round. I feel jealous and mad, I look over at Clitus he is still leaning against the pillar near the wine; watching me.

I decided to go to the baths then, since everyone else was most likely at the festivities. The baths were empty as I suspected and I removed my clothes and looked down at myself the cut on my thigh had stopped bleeding and formed a scab. My hips were bruised where Alexander had anchored himself to me during our earlier encounter. Shame floods me. My left arm where I had been cutting myself looked somewhat gruesome in the light of the baths. I stepped into the water walking out until the water reaches my waist and then dive under. It feels good on my aching muscles. It had been a while since I had wrestled and Cassander was an equal opponent. I swim up to the steps and sit on them to relax I leaned my head back and close my eyes.

"Would you like some company?" Clitus's voice sounded loud in the empty baths and startled me.

"Why are you not at the festivities?" I ask. Clitus makes me nervous for no other reason than his size and the fact that he is drunk. Drunkenness puts me on edge you can never be sure what someone might do when they are drunk.

"I doubt your Alexander is sleeping, he is probably fucking his eunuch as we speak."Clitus slurs.

"Your undivided love for Alexander mystifies me, since he in no way shows you the same devotion." Clitus informed me. "Take tonight for instance, you must know that Alexander purposely fucked you to prove to his Generals that he could have more than one lover at a time, why else do you think he took you to the partitions and not to his room, He knew we could all see, you might as well have been fucked on the wrestling match floor."

I needed to leave. I did not want to hear anymore from Clitus. I slowly walk out of the pool he had purposely stood by my chiton. I reached for it hanging on the peg. Clitus takes my wrist and turns it so he could examine my cuts. I try to pull my hand back but he holds tight.

"What is this?" Clitus questioned

I do not know what to say, I had not really thought about how I would explain my cuts; I think I figured no one would notice. I could feel myself begin to panic my heart racing; pounding out of my chest. Am I going to die? Here and now, naked in front of Clitus? I couldn't catch my breath; this is what it must feel like right before you die. I began to shake uncontrollably, gasping for air. Clitus has a look of shock on his face as he watches me dying.

He still has a hold of my wrist and pulls me towards him. He throws me over his shoulder and carries me out of the pool area. Rushing down the hall to my room where he would no doubt rape me before I died. I struggled lamely at this thought. Clitus enters my room and throws me onto my bed grabbing the covers and folding them around me. He placed his hands on my shoulders shaking me.

"Hephaistion!" Clitus shouted "Breath slowly" he ordered.

He begins to take deep breaths then blowing slowly out, repeating this until I began to follow suit. We breathed in unison until I am no longer feeling the panic that had taken over me.

"My chiton is still at the pool" I say weakly.

What I was really concerned about was my knife; I had found it at the market in Babylon.

"Damn you Hephaistion, who gives a shit, what the Hades was that!" Clitus bellowed.

I had never seen Clitus so out of sorts, he was a seasoned warrior that did not show emotion it was one of the reasons I admired him.

"I am going for Alexander" Clitus declared.

"No!" I shout sitting up from my blanket cocoon.

"I am fine now, there is no need" I grab his arm to stop him from leaving the edge of the bed.

"Thank you Clitus, I am fine now." I unfolded myself from the blankets and stand, going towards my clothes chest I grab a chiton and pull it over my head and began walking towards the door hoping Clitus would follow.

"Are you going somewhere?" Clitus asked

"Yes, I need my things from the baths" I inform him as I was walk towards the door.

"I will get them for you, please go back to bed, it is too late, and I am too tired to witness another episode or whatever you want to call what just happened" Clitus said with exasperation.

I ignored him and continued to exit my room. Clitus grab's my upper arm and pulls me back into my room, with his face inches from my own he growls

"Hephaistion, I will get your damn stuff, if you try to leave I will tie you to the bed" I roll my eyes and go back into my room. Sitting at the edge of the bed I stare at Clitus.

"Well?" I ask.

Clitus lets out a breath and stomps from the room.

I wait.

I needed that knife; just having it with me gives me strength, makes me feel safe.

It seemed forever before Clitus returns; throwing the chiton in my face he stands there watching me as I feel around for my blade.

"Are you looking for this?" Clitus asked holding the small jeweled knife in his hand.

"Give it to me Clitus" I say in a menacing voice.

"The blade is too small for protection Hephaistion" Clitus claims as he examines it, pulling off the cover.

"This would only cut the skin it is not long enough to kill a man."

I could almost see the smoke coming out of Clitus's head as he tries to figure out the reason for such a knife. I watch as he looks at me his eyes traveling to my arm. I instinctually cover my cuts with my other hand, giving myself away. Clitus walks over to me, taking the arm that was layered in cuts, staring at them. He runs a finger over a vicious scar, my first cut. He places the knife in my hand and walks out of the room. I exhaled not realizing that I had been holding my breath. I wonder what Clitus will do with this information about me.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Hephaestion

I wake sometime in the afternoon by the look of the sun. My servant had brought me food some time earlier and even though it was cold I eat it. I had not eaten since early the day before and was starving. I called the servant over telling him to go and bring me all the maps and scrolls from our last battle. I had been contemplating organizing these items and figured it would keep me busy for some time keeping my mind off Alexander and Bagoas and Clitus…

As I went through the baskets of scrolls and maps I used any and all surfaces in my room to create piles. The bed was where I was placing the maps, my desk had different piles of notes and correspondences, the floor was covered with open scrolls waiting to be examined and placed in its appropriate pile. Reading through the material and establishing a sensible way to organize them was time consuming but by day three I had a logical system going and was moving along quickly. I had not been bothered by anyone and had not needed to cut myself, but I had not left my room either nor had anyone came to visit me.

By night fall of the third day as I was digging through drawers and baskets for extra candles to light so I might continue to work my door opens with a rush sending papers closest to the door floating through the air. I bent down to pick them up and put them back in their proper place looking to see who would barge in without knocking. It was Alexander. I smiled, wanting to show and tell him all that I had been doing.

"Ahhh Alexander I am so glad you are here, look at what I have done, I think it will help us in our future endeavors." I exclaimed excitedly.

Alexander looked around my room it was a mess for sure but organizing always starts off in utter chaos.

"This is why I have not seen you in three days?" Alexander slurred.

I could smell the wine coming from him; he was drunk.

"I thought…." I began to explain myself

Alexander walks through the papers on the floor stepping on them and sending them about.

He grabs me around the waist and begins kissing me, pulling my chiton up. I pushed him away angrily. "Alexander I have been working on this for many days, be careful where you step" I cried in frustration.

I was so angry at his audacity and not prepared for the direct punch to the cheek just below my eye. I stumbled backwards falling against my desk sending the paper piles down in an avalanche. Alexander takes a step towards me; taking my chiton by the hem pulling it up over my head.

He takes my hips and lifts me up slamming me down on to the desk in a sitting position sending even more papers flying off the desk. Pulling my legs apart to position himself between them, he brutally pulls my head back by my hair and begins kissing me again. I again shove at him trying to push him away from me, leaning back so I might kick at him. This only giving him the opportunity to yank my legs sending me backwards as the back of my head hits the table.

"Stop Alexander, Wait… can you just wait a minute" I cry out. He leans over me one hand on my face keeping me from sitting up the other hand is forcing his cock into me. I try to push his shoulders up and away from me as he tries to enter me. He grabs my thighs and pulls me down towards the edge of the desk I feel the wood scratch my spine. Pushing my thighs up against my chest he enters me with no preparation causing me to yell out. He continues to pound into me; I can feel my spine moving back and forth across the rough wood. I am struggling from instinct now, as he attacks me. . I am again punched in the face. I do not understand what is happening. He pulls out then grabbing my legs and twisting me so that I lay face down on the table. He holds me down by the back of my neck. He enters me again causing me to yelp, tears and blood are flowing down my face onto the papers. He pulls me up by my throat and whispers in my ear.

"Shhhh Relax Phai, it will only hurt more if you struggle"

He is right and I go limp, letting him finish. We are both quiet as he cleans himself off. I am standing, holding myself up by leaning against the desk. My back is burning from the friction of the wood and my cheek is cut and swollen from one of the many rings Alexander wears.

I can taste blood from my broken lip. My mind is racing; what did I do? Why is he mad at me? Alexander gives me a sideways look.

"Why did you make me force you Hephaistion?" he asks his voice full of guilt. He cannot look me in the eyes.

"I just wanted … you to wait" I whisper more to myself.

"We are having a meeting with all the Generals tomorrow you need to be there" he informs me as he walks out of my chambers. I look around the room, all my hard work scattered. My head is screaming, my body aching. I begin to laugh. To think, I was so scared of being raped by my fellow generals when in reality it was Alexander who would rape me. What did I do? Why would he do this to me? My laughter now turning to sobs. I drop to my knees, grabbing for my chiton crumpled on the ground. I feel around for my knife, finding it I slash my thigh feeling the sharp pain; it overshadows all my other aches and pains. I lay down among the papers drawing my knees up towards myself watching the blood drip down from my thigh onto the floor.

It is morning and I must get ready for the meeting. I wash myself from the bowl brought to my room by my servant not wanting to go to the public baths. I dress in Persian garb, a tunic and pants hiding my arms and legs. My cheek is black and blue with a gash in the center and my bottom lip is split making it difficult to drink or eat anything. I sit on the edge of my bed.

My room is in shambles maps and papers everywhere. I fondle my little knife poking each finger tip with the blade testing its sharpness. I am startled by a knock at my door; I put the knife away in my waist band and get up to answer the door. Clitus is standing there seeming as big as the doorway. He looks me up and down.

"I am here to escort you to the meeting" he claims.

"I know where the meeting is at Clitus, I do not need an escort" I inform him as I continue to stand in the doorway not letting him pass.

"What happened to your face?" he asks boldly

I smile which only breaks open my lip I lick the blood away tilting my head to one side I give Clitus a questioning look

"Is there something wrong with my face?" I ask haughtily.

"Usually no, you are often very pleasant to look at" If I was judging his reaction right Clitus almost looked bashful. I have my hand high on the door and my other on my hip leaning somewhat. My whole body is sore, my hips and back are bruised it is hard for me to walk as I usually do. He pushes pass me

"You probably deserved it with your smart mouth" I spin towards the room shutting the door behind me.

"Yes, yes I did deserve it" I say this more to myself, trying to prepare myself for when I see Alexander. Fighting with Alexander only make things worse for me I have convinced myself that I deserved it. I should not have denied Alexander.

I look up as I almost walk into Clitus's chest. He takes my chin pulling my face upward.

"Those are pretty hard hits you took, not deserving of a smart mouth" he says softly letting my chin go he looks around the room.

"What the Hades happened here?"

"I'm organizing" I state bluntly hoping he leaves it alone.

"This is your idea of organizing?" He has a questioning look on his face, shaking his head.

He begins to walk back towards the door.

"Are you ready to go?" Clitus barked I walk to the door and step into the thresh hold, hands on either side of the door. I stop. My heart is starting to race. Clitus is waiting for me just outside the door. I look up at him, knowing that the panic is registering on my face. I feel along my waist band for my knife, stepping back away from the door as I begin to shut it.

"Just give me a couple of minutes alone Clitus, I will be out in a minute" I stammer. Just one little slash and I will be able to do it. It will release the tension and then I can face Alexander. Clitus will not allow this, he burst through the door and I drop my knife.

"Leave It!" Clitus howls.

He grabs my upper arm and yanks me out the door. He takes me by my shoulders and shakes me roughly. He slams the door shut and yank's me down the hallway. The anger I feel at that moment was phenomenal, I am sick and tired of being manhandled, too many occurrences in too short a period of time. I yanked my arm free from Clitus's grip and jumping in front of him I push his chest backwards.

"Get away from me" I hissed at him.

Within seconds I am in a headlock face down. He chokes me for a second until he see's blood dripping down from my re-opened lip. Clitus yanks me to my feet and pushes me forward

"Go on then" he spats

I walk down the hall sucking on my lip to stop the bleeding. I enter the meeting room, walking through the room I nod at the men already there until I reach the back. I lean up against the wall, not wanting to sit, not really able to sit. The men are all questioning my battered face, but I give them no answer. It is none of their business. Clitus sits at the table facing me, watching me. Alexander arrives.

Alexander

My head is pounding from the many drinks the night before. I also feel a slight bit of shame for my treatment of Hephaistion. I see him standing in the back of the room leaning against the wall, his face bruised and lip swollen. He is wearing Persian garb which suits him. Even with his battered face I would fuck him on the spot. From the moment we met, I have wanted him.

He made me wait almost two years before I could claim him. Taking that time to build what I could only suspect was a true friendship. Now at the age of 23 I am overwhelmed by my responsibilities as a King. Trying to divide my time between all my commitments was becoming increasingly difficult. The drink at the end of my days helped to relax me, but also seemed to bring out my father in me. I glance again at Hephaistion. I was surrounded by people ready and willing to do as I bid maybe I wanted to take something; maybe I heard no because I wanted to hear it. I am overcome with guilt and do not glance at him again. I discuss with the generals our next move we must find Darius, many of the men want to let Darius go they feel that we have accomplished enough, that we should go home. I dismiss this quickly no if he is alive he can be obeyed. We forge ahead a plan. Debating and discussing what will come next, when we will leave. The route we will take and the potential forces we will come up against. By nightfall we are exhausted and ready to relax. The men begin to file out of the room talking of food and women and drink. Hephaistion walks past me on his way out. I stop him.

"May I speak with you a moment?" I ask tentatively.

"Of course, my King" he reply's we wait till the room is empty. I notice Clitus lingering by the door, when he sees me looking he walks off.

I turn to Hephaistion and touch his bruised cheek and lip "Does it hurt much?" I ask

"Only when I smile" Hephaistion informs me.

"I did not mean for our night together to go that way, if I had not drank so much It would not have" I begin trying to apologize without taking all the blame.

"I know" Hephaistion does not look me in the eyes when he says this.

I feel a rush to defend myself

"You hide for three days and when I go to you, you tell me No, I do not have time for your games Hephaestion. You are being selfish"

Hephaistion looks at me I can see the anger in his eyes, as he looks away.

"What Hephaistion! Say what you want to say!" I exclaim.

"I did not tell you No, I asked you to wait! I am being selfish? you are the one that took what he wanted, look at me Alexander, I have not been this bruised since my father" Hephaistion is almost panting with anger. His lip is bleeding and I reach up to wipe the blood off his chin.

He cringes away from my hand.

"I was not going to hit you Hephaistion" I say defeated, knowing that my abuse last night has brought on his reaction.

I pull him towards me, hugging him, stroking his hair. "I am sorry Hephaistion" it is all I can say.


	12. Chapter 12

Hephaistion

Chapter 11

I feel hot and sore after the meeting and decide to take a proper bath before going to the festivities tonight. I remember to grab a towel from my room and make my way to the baths.

I know that nothing has been resolved by my talk with Alexander but I feel better anyways. At least I know that things will remain the same between us, that he had not decided to abandon me. The baths were busy as many were preparing themselves for the nightly festivities. At the far end of the bath sat Clitus, Cassander, Perdiccas, and Crateros they are playing dice and soaking in the bath. I contemplate leaving not wanting to deal with them individually let alone when they were in a pack. My body reacts to the sight of them; my heart races, my hands tremble slightly.

I am becoming increasingly frustrated by my lack of control over my own body. I cannot let them see how their presence affects me it will only encourage them. I take a deep breath in and slowly exhale, learning from my episode with Clitus willing my heart to slow down. I walk over to the benches running along the walls of the bath house. I remove my sandals, and pull off the trousers under my tunic. Deep breath in, exhaling slowly I pull the tunic up over my head and hang in on the peg. I feel a hand on my bruised hip, pinching the tender spot. Fingers run down my spine lingering on each of the scabs that had formed from the back and forth movement on my wooden desk.

"Looks like someone got fucked good and proper last night" Cassander hissed in my ear.

"Don't touch me Cassander" I growled. I spin around to face him.

"Good and proper" Cassander says as he reaches out to touch my bruised cheek. I push his hand away and walk towards the other end of the pool, trying to get far away from the pack of wolves. I immerse myself in the water and sit at the far end of the bath.

Cassander follows me in and the others all but Clitus, swim over to me.

"I will have to remember you like it rough when it is my turn with you" Cassander snickers.

"It will never be your turn Cassander I will throw myself onto a spike before I ever fuck the likes of you" I state calmly keeping my eyes closed and my head resting on the edge of the bath.

"Hear that Cassander, Hephaistion would rather die a most gruesome death, than fuck you" Crateros laughs out loud.

"Did you hear from the other whores that Cassander was a bad fuck?" Perdiccas adds snidely.

"If I am a whore, at least I am the Kings whore the lot of you would trade places with me in a minute if he would have you" I state nonchalantly. Cassander leans close I can feel his breath on my face.

"Be mindful of what you say pretty Hephaistion, from the looks of you he's almost done with you" Cassander jeer's at me. I take a deep breath in, exhale slowly.

"Alexander and I are fine Cassander, and I do like it rough." I smirk.

Opening my eyes I challenge Cassander. Cassander smacks me on the side of the head.

I jump up lunging at him. He backs up and is suddenly pulled from the bath by his arm.

I grab a hold of his legs trying to pull him back in and I am grabbed by Crateros and Perdiccas.

"That is enough" Clitus roared.

I thrash about until Crateros and Perdiccas let me go and walk up the steps to my towel.

Clitus is holding on to a wet, slippery, naked Cassander

"What the fuck Clitus, let us have our fun" Cassander bellows breaking free from Clitus and walking over to his own towel.

"Come on then, let's get some wine already" Cassander motion's to Crateros and Perdiccas who follow Cassander out of the bath area. Clitus looks over at me as I am drying myself off

I see his eyes travel to my arms, inspecting me for any new cuts.

"Smart mouth" he says under his breath and walks out.

I finish drying myself off and wrapping the towel around my waist I walk to my room.

I feel energized, wide awake I have not felt this good in a while. I get dressed and walk over to the festivities. I play a game of dice with Ptolemy and watch the exotic dancing of the Persian women I am having a good time, talking with Alexander and Ptolemy. I even joke with Clitus about the pool incident. As the morning comes I am still not feeling tired. I go to my room and start organizing the maps and things again. I sleep for an hour or two. My mind is going a mile a minute, I am thinking about all we have to do to be ready for our next invasion. Alexander comes to my room that night and I show him the system for organizing our maps and correspondences. He is impressed by my efforts. "How long have you been working on this" he asks giving me a sideways look. "I started last night" I tell him. I begin to tell him how the system works and how I came up with the idea and why it is important for us to have this system. He hugs me to him. "Shhhhh" he tells me, kissing me. I rub myself on his leg, kissing him back. "Will you do something for me Phai?" he asks sheepishly, rubbing my cock through my pants. He is igniting my passion and I do not want him to stop.

"Anything Alexander" I tell him.

"Will you let Bagoas join us?" I am not shocked by his request. I have known for some time that he has wanted this. He reaches down my pants and touches me with his bare hands pulling on my cock. My breath quickens and I groan, more so from indecisiveness than passion. He kisses me sucking and pulling on my lower lip holding my head in his hand he sucks on my neck and ear. I groan again now from passion only. He leaves me then and goes to my door opening it; Bagoas is waiting there. I feel a flash of anger at his audacity. He walks toward me with purpose kissing me again touching me. He turns me around and holds me up against his chest by pinning my arms back. Bagoas is there knelling in front of me pulling down my pants and taking my cock in his mouth. I do not even have a chance to think as he starts sucking on my cock taking his hand and running it up and down my shaft; twisting. I lean back as Alexander sucks on my neck and pushes his cock into me. Alexander and Bagoas are in rhythm, my body convulses. My head drops down as I try to catch my breath. Alexander reaches around my waist with one arm, holding my hips uptight against him, his cock inside of me. He takes Bagoas by the hair in his other hand holding his head he thrusts his hip causing my cock to slide farther down Bagoas throat. He pulls his hips back and my cock slides out of Bagoas throat, thrusting back in; deep. I watch as my cock slides in and out Bagoas's mouth to Alexander's thrusts. "Oh Gods in Hades" I moan. I let go and cum down the back of his throat he swallows while my cock is still deep in his throat causing me to buck. Alexander pulls my cock away holding me to him as he thrusts into me finishing himself off. He releases me and I fall to my knees still feeling the aftershocks of my own orgasm. He laughs at me "We should have done this a long time ago" he pants; out of breath himself. Bagoas smiles at Alexander and he winks at him, as if they have some secret and I feel jealousy stab me like a knife.

Alexander

I am told by Ptolemy and Clitus that Hephaistion is acting strange. They tell me he is not sleeping or eating and that he is looking thin.

"What do you mean strange?" I inquire.

"He is talking non-stop which we all know is very unlike Hephaistion" Clitus starts.

"It seems as if he is not bathing or changing his clothes" Ptolemy adds.

"I think he is cutting himself?" Clitus states as if he has told a secret.

I put my head in my hands. I knew he seemed a little manic the last time I saw him, I think that's why he let Bagoas join us. I was hoping I was wrong, I felt bad using him when he is like that.

"We can give him a bath and give him some opium. Once he sleeps he will be better." Ptolemy states in an unquestionable manner.

"Alright, go to him now and tell him I want to see him, let me talk to him first." I tell them. I know Hephaestion's moods.

"Of Course" they both say in unison.

An hour later I hear a commotion outside my door. I hear Hephaistion screaming and open the door to Clitus with Hephaistion over his shoulder He burst through the door.

"Where do you want him?" Clitus barks.

"What the Hades is going on!" I exclaim.

Clitus places Hephaistion onto his feet but continues to hold on to him in a bear hug pinning his arms down to his sides. I am shocked by how he looks, it has only been a couple of days since I saw him last but he looks noticeably thinner. His hair is in twisted ropes there is a wild look in his eyes. He is struggling to free himself from Clitus's grip; he is panting and howling to be released.

"What happened" I exclaim

"He thinks we were sent to kill him" Clitus informs me.

"I don't think he knows who we are" Ptolemy adds.

I go near him saying his name softly.

"Hephaistion, it is I Alexander" I brush the hair from his face.

"Hephaistion, my love please calm down, you are safe now."

His eyes finally focus on me, he can see me.

"Alexander" he sobs' and goes limp in Clitus's arms.

I continue to talk softly, indicating to Clitus to help me remove his clothes. They are dirty and wrinkled.

"Hephaistion let's take a bath together" I suggest softly. We remove his clothes and I step in the bath pulling Hephaistion along with me. He follows me, trusting me, he is calm now. I sit and pull Hephaistion towards me, he sits between my legs and leans back against me. I hug him to me, I am beyond worried. I have never seen Hephaistion act this way. I whisper in his ear, how much I love him, how I could not survive without him.

Bagoas enters the room with the Opium drink. I motion him over and he kneels by the edge of the bath. It takes a moment for Bagoas presence to register but once it does Hephaistion goes mad.

"I will not drink that from him" he screams

"He is trying to kill me Alexander! Can't you see" he jumps up from my arms and scrambles to get out of the bath. Clitus is there pushing him back I take the drink from Bagoas and shoo him away. Clitus is now standing in the bath with all his clothes on holding Hephaistion again in a bear hug. I call out his name

"Hephaistion please drink this for me, it will make you feel better. Drink it for me Phai" I repeat again and again until his eyes focus on me and he sees me. I put the cup to his lips and he takes a drink.

"Drink all of it my love; that's good" I murmur to him.

He finishes the drink and we again sit down in the bath, him between my legs. I pour water over his hair; washing it, I wash his body. His eyes become hooded and he is slipping down from my grasp, the opium taking effect. Clitus again enters the bath fully clothed and picks Hephaistion up out of the bath holding him to his chest his head resting on his shoulder. I follow them out and we wrap a towel around him and put him onto my bed.

I pour myself, Clitus and Ptolemy a drink. Drinking mine quickly and pouring myself another.

"How did I not see it" I cry out; tears are running down my cheeks and I am overcome with the feeling of helplessness.

"It came on very quickly Alexander" states Clitus.

"Did it?" I question. I should have seen this coming I have been pushing him to accept many things in a short period. Bagoas, the drunken incident when I forced him I know him well enough to know that he does not deal with change very well. I sit and put my head in my hands and begin to sob uncontrollably Ptolemy puts his hands on my shoulders

"Alexander, let's see how he is doing tomorrow…"

Hephaistion

I wake up in Alexander's bed. It is night time and I have a pounding headache. I feel Alexander's arms around me holding me to him. I snuggle closer. Alexander sits up on his elbow and leans over me.

"Phai, are you hungry, thirsty? How do you feel?" He rambles

I feel deeply and utterly despondent. I tuck my face down into the covers hiding myself from Alexander.

"Phai, What can I do?" He sounds desperate

"Please tell me, talk to me" he begs.

His concern and my hopeless feelings cause me to cry I do not understand why I am feeling this way as if death would be a relief. Alexander pulls the covers off my face and brushes the hair away, holding my face in his hands. He kisses my tears and mouth pulling me up and over so that I am now laying face down in his lap. He strokes my hair. I hear his door open and the voices of Clitus and Ptolemy.

"How is he?" Ptolemy asks

"He is not as he was last night" Alexander tells them "But better, NO! he has slept for over 12 hours, and can only cry now that he is awake" Alexander continues to inform.

It is as if I am not even there and I do not care. Maybe I will fade away, just slowly disappear.

"Has he eaten anything?" Clitus asks

"I cannot eat" I whisper only to see if they can hear me.

This seems to spark some hope in Alexander as he pulls himself out from under me, jumping out of the bed.

"He needs to eat" he proclaims

I pull the covers around me trying to bury myself, I now wish that they would all leave, go away and leave me be. Alexander orders a servant to bring food I hear the pouring of wine and Ptolemy and Alexander speaking in a whisper. I cannot hear what they are saying and neither do I care. I feel someone sit on the edge of the bed.

"Hephaestion, can you sit up?" Please sit up for us, you are worrying Alexander to no end." Clitus informs me

"Food will be here soon, you will eat and feel better I am sure of it." Clitus continues.

I begin to cry again, I cannot help myself I will myself to stop, don't be an infant you are a General but still I cannot stop it from happening. It is too much for me the talking, the light, the impending knowledge that they will all try to get me to eat. Alexander rushes over laying next to me he turns me to face him.

"What is it Phai? I will do anything for you"

"Please can we be alone, just us?" I beg

"Leave us" he commands, not even getting up from the bed.

I see the worry in his face he looks like he has not slept in days. The room is empty now. I kiss him softly at first, then more desperate. I want to feel something besides this utter sadness and hopelessness. He breaks the kiss and looks at me.

"Phai?" he whispers.

"I need you" I wrap my arms around him and pull myself up to his lips and kiss him again knowing that he sees my tears, but not wanting him to stop.

He moans and begins to touch me gliding his hands up the sides of my torso, pulling my head back by my hair he kisses my neck up to my face; licking up my neck behind my ear I hear him panting. I grab his ass pulling him closer I need him closer, inside me filling me up and pushing out the sadness. He kisses my bellybutton; kissing, kissing, biting, kissing down to my thighs. It feels good the bites startle me every time. I cannot focus; establish a pattern. He knows what I need and takes my cock in his hand.

Nothing…

I open my eyes and look down at Alexander; he is smiling with his wicked smile I snort.

He puts the tip of my cock up to his mouth still smiling and licks at the tip rubbing it on his tongue; I lean my head back. I know what will come next, the anticipation is astounding.

He sucks on the tip, a quick suction. His mouth makes a popping noise the sound and the feeling go hand in hand.

I pant a little.

He is kneeling by my knees sucking on my cock holding on to my hips whenever I would buck. I hold on to the head of the bed. Enjoying every minute of it if I could stay here, right here, feeling this. This is where I want to be, right here, doing this. I feel my nuts tighten up and now my full attention is on what is being done to my cock.

He begins to finger me and I feel my body go to a heightened since of anticipation. My breath hitches. He goes deeper, pulls out slowly, goes deeper still building speed as he takes my cock deep into his throat gagging.

I hold on…, hold on…, hold…,

A little cum escapes and then I give in whole heartily grabbing Alexander's head; taking a fistful of hair. I grunt like a dog.

Alexander swallows, wipes his mouth and lunges at me laughing I cannot help but smile. He nuzzles my neck, straddling me.

"Now it's my turn" he pounds his chest like a monkey.

I roll my eyes and he flips me over pulling me up on my hands and knees. He leans over me to grab the oil by the bedside, smacking me with his cock like a sword. He is an idiot, and I laugh out loud. He coats himself with oil and I lean back telling him I am ready. He moves slowly at first each thrust getting me closer and closer. I lean forward going back down onto my hands I am moaning in rhythm to Alexander's thrusts. He takes a hold of my hips pulling me towards him as he thrusts and each time he hits the spot that takes my breath away. He goes faster getting ready to cum, my body sparks…He pulls me back up as he hugs my waist pounding into me, I say his name over and over, my eyes are closed as I tug on my own cock sending me over the edge. We both release at the same time. Alexander falls forward on top of me his weight causing my knees to slowly unbend until he is lying across my back.

"I can't breathe Alex" I say with my last breath

Alexander laughs and rolls off me lying on his side facing me. I lay face down with my arms tucked in and turn my head away from Alexander.

"Are we not well?" Alexander asks with fear in his voice. I turn my face towards him I love him with all my heart, soul and body, I could not shatter him.

"I am better" I smile "I feel a little better" We smile at each other.


	13. Chapter 13

Hephaestion

Chapter 13

We are to leave Babylon tomorrow, and continue our pursuit of Darius. The festivities for our departure are on the grandest scale. I am relieved that we will be leaving this place tomorrow. I need the structure of the road to keep my mind in check to rid myself of this anxiety. I have been isolating myself since the breakdown and have only been seen at the meetings. I would come in late and stand in the back away from everyone, there was no need for me to speak at these meetings. Whatever it was, I was with Alexander. I would listen analyzing what the men were saying listening for side conversations. Alexander and I would then discuss the alliances and who we needed to watch closely. The men knew this and it put me in a dangerous situation.

It isolated me more than I already was.

I cut myself today, before going to the festivities. I have too I had no other strategy for coping with this anxiety. I had been carrying my knife in my waist band for over a day before I actually used it.

"Just this once, if there was ever a time I needed to do it, it was today" was my thought. Alexander had been at the festivities for hours already, I knew without a doubt that he was drunk now, that all the generals would be there, and that they would be drunk. Wine brought out the aggressive in men, it muted the voice that told you "you cannot do that, you should not say that" it made men closer to their animal self, their instinctual side. I never drank pure wine, only very watered down. I did not like the feeling of loss of control; I felt I had control of so little as it was.

I had not gone with Alexander to the festivities, he went with Bagoas. I did not mind. It was boring to watch people get drunk. I think of the crowds, the unpredictability that comes with excessive drinking and I am filled with anxiety.

I sit on the balcony, looking out at the vast sky, trying to calm myself before I entered the social arena. I take my knife and pull my pants down to my knees. Kneeling I cut into my thigh, sitting back onto my feet. It had been awhile, it felt good I remembered why I did it. I watched the blood flow out. I closed my eyes so I could focus on the pain, the burning. I wipe the blood off my leg, pulling up my pants I walk to the hall.

As I enter the hall, I am there for only a minute it seems when Clitus walks up to me.

"I have been watching for you, I did not want you to enter alone." He informs me. I smile at him I am relieved that I do not have to walk in alone.

"You look good, still too thin, but good, you will be joining the training sessions daily I am told, that should help put some weight on you. It is good to see you smile" he says as he claps me on the back.

We walk over to where Alexander and the others were collecting. I can see Clitus looking down at me checking my body language and facial expression. I feel ok and I am grateful that Clitus is with me. As we get closer to the group it becomes clear that we are entering the happy stage of drinking. I am hugged by many, slapped on the back and welcomed. Alexander is next to me now and puts his arm around my neck and messes my hair laughing. I am having a good time, we all are. Tomorrow morning we will leave this place. As the night continues on and the drinking continues I feel the shift in energy. This is when I like to take my leave I look for Alexander. He is drunk and flirting with some of the dancers I am hoping I can sneak out. Clitus has been near me the whole night watching over me I tell him that I am heading off, and to enjoy the rest of the festivities. I have worked my way to the exit when Cassander comes out of nowhere.

"Where are you off to pretty Hephaestion" he slurs he is really drunk I can see it in his vacant eyes.

"We had all heard you had lost your mind" he chuckles drinking from his drink.

I do not respond to him and try to move past him and out the door.

"How dare you ignore me", he spat

He tries to stop me but stumbles and body slams me into the wall. I push him off and away from me.

"Cassander go back to the party" "You don't want to miss all the fun do you?" I try to convince the drunkard. His hatred for me is almost palpable.

"I do not take orders from a whore" he hisses in my face, spitting a little.

"It was not an order Cassander, it was a suggestion" I try to reason with him. He grabs me by my neck any chance to out maneuver him lost. He was quicker than I anticipated. He is stronger than I and his drunken state makes him more determined. I glance behind me, hoping Clitus has noticed that Cassander has followed me. He could help me reason with him, I do not see him. This seems to only ignite Cassander anger. He knees me in the crotch sending me forward as I grab myself. He has always been a dirty fighter. He pulls me by my hair farther down the hall away from view. Throwing me down onto the ground he kicks me in the stomach and spits on me; so close I had come to ending the night on a good note.

"Get up" Cassander jeers. I slowly stand watching Cassander; anticipating the next hit. I look behind him down the hall to my escape. Cassander had the same look on his face my father often had distain, disappointment, disgust, drunkenness my stomach lurches as memories of my father's face flood me. Alexander was the only person who did not look at me this way he may sometimes have a look of anger but never disgust, never hatred. Cassander was moving towards me now I backed up getting ready to fight.

"What are you up to Cassander" Clitus's voice was menacing, relief floods me at the sound of his voice.

"Ha! Clitus just seeing our pretty Hephaestion off to bed" Cassander slurred stumbling back away from me.

"Hephaestion?" Clitus inquires.

"I am fine Clitus" I tell him

Cassander snorts at this and begins to walk back towards the hall. Clitus pushes him sending him stumbling down the hall.

"Alexander was asking for you" Clitus informs me. I nod and follow him out.

"Why do you not tell Alexander about how they treat you?" Clitus asks

"I can handle it Clitus besides Alexander knows." I tell him

"He does not know Hephaestion, not how it really is; that they are abusing you." He calls me out.

"He would not allow it, if he knew. Have you noticed Hephaestion that you seem to have an episode whenever the abuse gets heavy?" Clitus informs me.

"What do you know Clitus, why do you watch me so close, do you not have anything better to do?" I shout out at him.

He stops and faces me "Hephaestion, I am worried about you I have seen friends go mad."

"Do I seem mad to you Clitus?" I ask quietly.

"I was there for your breakdown, I saw firsthand, you did not know who we were, you thought we were trying to kill you, you're cutting yourself" he exclaims exasperated with me.

"I AM NOT" I yell out too quickly. Clitus grabs my arms pushing up my sleeves looking for fresh cuts He grabs at my pants. He was actually going to pull my pants down in the middle of the hall! Alexander saves me

"What's going on here" he demands

Clitus waits for me to explain.

"I… wa- wa- was coming ba- ba- back to find you" I stammer I hate when I stutter, I feel weak.

Alexander knows I am nervous when I do this he gives me a jealous look. I look up at Clitus as he huffs and stomps off.

"We will talk about this tomorrow as we travel Hephaestion, mark my words. Go to bed now."Alexander commands

I nod and walk out relieved that I have some time to think about an answer.

Maybe Alexander will forget; one of the benefits of excessive drinking.

Alexander

It is early. We are moving out. We are all tired and still drunk all except Hephaestion, I glare at him. He is in his armor, riding next to me, his helmet only draws attention to his blue eyes.

He smiles at me and I can't remember why I am mad at him; something happened last night that makes me mad at him today. Something…

We ride on in silence for a few miles he is riding so close to me that his horse keeps bumping into mine

"Back off will you" I grumble at him, I am hung over. Hephaestion slows his horse down walking a few paces behind me

"Good Boy" I snarl

It sometimes feels good to be mean when you know just where to dig the knife. Hephaestion is an easy target. I am going to need to marry soon I need an heir if I want to continue my bloodline. My mother is insisting, I could care less, let it end with me. I am the King of Asia no one else could ever accomplish what I have accomplished. I hope Hephaestion does not cause me grief over a marriage. Women don't really do it for me. Sex is part of the game, giving you an advantage or sometimes a disadvantage. My Achilles heel had become Hephaestion. I did not like having a weak spot, leaving me open for the kill.

Hephaestion rides up a head of me galloping over to the front of the line. He knows where we are going he has the whole trip planned. He looks good in his uniform always has, it shows off his thighs. I remember that Clitus was with Hephaestion last night and that he was nervous. I feel a twinge of suspicion. I have already warned Hephaestion about being anywhere that might cause me to doubt him. I brush the thought away for now.

Hephaestion

As we move along to Bactria, Alexander has not spoken with me about Clitus and our scuffle, I am relieved. Our relationship is better on the road he does not have as much free time. I have a purpose besides fucking Alexander. My anxiety lessens. The agendas and alliances that become the focus when we are at rest, fade to the way side. We are unified on the road all moving forward for the same purpose. The structure of traveling, the mundane tasks all produce calm in me that I do not feel when we are stationary. Alexander's control loosens and I become more extroverted. Not as fearful, I stop cutting when we are on the road. There is enough blood I do not need to add to it. I am busy enough that I can think, fuck Alexander. Let him have his fits, I am no longer a boy, let him get rid of me. I can find another it would be a relief not to worry about him. The daily training helps, I feel physically strong which makes me feel mentally strong. We fight more on the road, verbally not physically, neither having the strength to monitor our words. I like fighting with words, I am good at it. Better than Alexander.

"Why do you bother me with this stuff Hephaestion" he would yell out

"Because you are Alexander the Great are you not?" I would taunt

His face would become murderous

"Look how courageous you are"

"Does it turn you on Alex?" I would ask

His murderous look changing to a look of lust

"No, I like the cowering Hephaestion better" he would pout

"Ah Alexander we both know that is not true" I would tell him as I take off my helmet holding it to my hip; running my hands through my hair. I can see Alexander's erection and I smile to myself, he is so predictable.

"We need to decide this now Alexander the men are waiting" I inform him

I tell the guard at the tent door Alexander's answer and turn around to take my leave. Alexander is there behind me taking my helmet from me, placing it on the chair by the door.

"Will you stay?" he asks

"Do I have a choice" I say as I look at my helmet then back at Alexander. I walk towards him daring him to say something that would break the mood.

"No, just as I have no choice in wanting you to stay" he tells me as I kiss him roughly, pulling him to me, my armor blocking the feel of him against me. I grab his balls and squeeze a little

He groans. I feel empowered, I feel as Alexander must feel, I smile a huge smile, feeling smug.

Alexander groans again and kisses me trying to pull off my armor, I laugh out loud.

"We have all night, do we not?" I state as I push him back towards the bed pulling off my armor as we move, he removes his own clothes reaching out to me trying to pull me to him. Our naked bodies finally touching, his skin feels hot against mine. I run my hand up his back feeling the muscles on his shoulders flexing as he hugs me to him rubbing his erection on my thigh. I kiss his neck and chest; licking then sucking as I make my way down

He sits on the edge of the bed and I kneel between his legs taking his cock licking up the sides to the tip till all of him is wet from my mouth. Sucking first on the tip making my way farther down his cock with each bob of my head; I take his knees as I stand and push them up so he is lying on his back on the bed, he scoots back farther so his feet can rest. I lay on his chest our cocks touching. I Kiss his mouth he is running his hand up the back of my thigh to my buttocks. He rolls on top of me.

"You know I love you don't you?" he asks

"No matter who is in my bed Hephaestion you are always in my heart; I think of you when I am with another, I think of you when I am in battle, I think of you when I am alone" he tells me each statement followed by a kiss. I believe every word. He is pulling on my cock using the oil near the bed to produce a friction that makes my head drop back, my eyes close. Alexander watches me as he takes me to the edge, I am almost there. His thumb rubs up the vein on the side of my cock, up and over the ridge on the head of my dick. My toes curl up, Gods I am almost there.

I feel his mouth on me and I yell out, I buck as I finish, sensitive. I yawn as Alexander comes up to lie next to me. He laughs as he hugs me to him.

"Sleep my dear Hephaestion, we have all night don't we"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Hephaestion

We have reached Balkh, Bactria. Darius is dead, killed by his own men. Alexander is in love with a woman, she reminds me of his mother. He is going to marry her, she is not Macedonian.

This causes much grief among the men the first wife should be Macedonian. I have known that this would happen it must happen Alexander needs an heir. It still feels like a kick in the stomach taking the air from my lungs. I am cutting myself again not caring if it is seen or not; I slash at my arms my thighs.

The night of his wedding I cannot go, I cannot watch her as she sits in her cage- like dress.

Alexander is happy and all I feel is hate for her Roxane, for Alexander. I leave the compound and walk near the water. I bring with me pure wine, strong, bitter I am drunk.

I pick up rocks along my path and throw them into the water they skip along the surface before going under. I yell out into the night, it feels good.

"Hephaestion?"

I hear my name, it is Clitus

"What are you doing" he inquires

"Just waiting for this day to be over" I slur

I pick up another rock and throw it with all my might I lose my balance due to my drunken state and fall onto the ground. Clitus is there within minutes offering me his hand to help me up

"I am fine Clitus" I snort

Rolling onto my knees not letting him help me

"Alexander loves you Hephaestion do not tell yourself otherwise" Clitus tries to comfort me

"Fuck him" I snarl

"I am sure it will be months before he can pull himself out from between her legs to even remember that I still exists" my hate bubbling out of my mouth. Clitus is quiet letting me stew.

Clitus the black, he is called that because of his dark looks black hair, black eyes, black heart. He is menacing and barbaric on the field of battle cutting down men like wheat. He is a big man tall with arms like marble. If I were his size no one would ever bother me. He sits on a fallen tree watching me I drink the last of my wine and throw the cup into the water. I stumble over to him and sit on the ground between his legs leaning my back on the tree trunk. Clitus is older, wiser he no longer makes me feel nervous in fact his presence often brings a feeling of calm over me. My mind can rest when he is near the racing thoughts slow somewhat.

"It will be all right Hephaestion" he assures me.

He rubs the back of my neck I hug my knees and let him. It feels good the tension in my neck and shoulders slowly releasing I moan and he stops. I turn around getting on my knees between his legs my hands on his thighs.

"Hephaestion, you are drunk and distraught" he says this even as his hands travels to my neck, brushing the hair from it, pulling my face towards his he kisses me.

Sucking on my bottom lip, sucking on my top lip, I have my eyes close and my mouth is open slightly. My hands on his thighs

Waiting…

So I might kiss him back. He lifts my chin with his thumbs and he kisses my neck running his fingers through the back of my hair. He sucks on an ear, back to my mouth finally using his tongue. Letting me kiss him back, I suck on his tongue. He holds my face in his hand I open my eyes looking into his black eyes; not Alexander's eyes. He moans and kisses me again devouring my mouth as if it were a last kiss, a kiss goodbye. Wrapping his arms around me he brings me closer to him, kissing me. He smells different than Alexander. His touch is strong but not forceful Alexander was always so rough, bruising my skin, my mind.

He pulls my tunic up and off running his hands down my back into my pants squeezing my buttocks pressing me to him, kissing me. I have never been kissed so much my lips seem swollen my chin raw from his sharp facial hair.

"I do not want you to regret this" he is searching my face for doubt

We kiss again he comes towards me off the fallen tree. I lay back lifting my hips as he pulls off my pants. He is runs his hands over my thighs, his thumbs tracing the slashes. He shakes his head.

"Hephaestion why do you do this to yourself" he questions not really wanting an answer now

He pulls off his own clothing, I run my hands through his chest hair it feels coarse. He hugs me to him pinning my arms between us. He rolls onto his back taking me with him, I straddle him. He sits up hugging me to him taking me down with him as he lays back, lining himself up. He enters me; he is big, bigger than Alexander. I hold my breath as I adjust to him squeezing my eyes shut; my face is in his neck.

He begins to move

"Hephaestion how I have wanted this" he moans as he slowly thrust into me

He runs his fingers through the back of my hair holding my head in his neck he moves faster.

I let out a long slow breath, he moves a little faster. I am panting, I can't help myself. I sit up

Riding him like a horse using my thighs to hold myself in place. We move together as if we have known each other this way our rhythm in sync. He sits up again taking my shoulders he pushes me farther down onto his cock, I cry out. I feel a building of tension as we move together. Building, his cock hitting the spot that creates white sparks behind my eyes like lightening in the night sky. We cum together in unison I feel a rushing of relief throughout my body. He rolls over so I am underneath him now, kissing me.

"Hephaestion if you only knew what you do to me" Clitus whispers

I cannot imagine how I could have any impact on anyone. Clitus places a hand on the side of my face turning it to face him.

"Do not hurt yourself over this, we are friends and we are comforting each other there is nothing wrong with that Hephaestion; life is too short for regrets." He kisses me again a slow gentle kiss, the tip of his tongue licking my bottom lip. I kiss him deeper, are we on round two already? He pulls himself away from me and stands, offering me his hand. I take it and pull myself up. He hands me my clothes signaling that we are done. He puts his arm on my back and leads me back towards the main house.

Alexander

The wedding party is at its height, I am maintaining so I will not be a complete failure when I take Roxane to bed. I need an heir or at least that is what I am being told. It feels as though I have just started my journey and all ready I am being told to create my replacement. Roxane is beautiful exotic I am hoping that I can impregnate her quickly and move on. Sexually I tend to be too rough for women they look like scared rabbits to me.

I go out to the back to pee whistling to myself. I think I will take Roxane up to bed now, that will leave me time to return and drink some more. I wonder what Hephaestion is doing. Maybe I can stop by his room. He tries to hide his hurt he tries to hide every emotion until they comes forth in a mess of panic and anxiety. He is a plethora of contradictions. He is strong and fierce on the battle field even when witnessing the most gruesome of killings. Almost as if his armor creates a different person. Without it he is overly sensitive to the slightest look I give him. I see him walking near the river's edge with Clitus. He is still far off but I know it is him by his walk and Cletus by the size of the figure walking with him. I am glad that he watches over Hephaestion I know the other Generals taunt him. He must deal with this on his own for I cannot show more favoritism than I already do. I watch them walking towards the compound, Clitus puts his arm around Hephaestion and I feel jealousy creeping up. No, no, I tell myself Hephaestion is probably distraught. I hear them laughing. Well that does not sound like distraught. I am pissed all of a sudden. I remember that night in Babylon and I think back about the time Clitus was hanging around the door after that meeting and the drunken incident. Hephaestion is mine, he dare not love another, he is mine. I will speak with him tomorrow. I go back into the wedding so I can take my leave from the guests and take my new wife.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Hephaestion

I am told by Clitus that I must attend the wedding party tonight. Alexander demands it, Gods why does he torture me. It is the first time I have seen Clitus since last night and I do not know how to act. I am ashamed. I have betrayed Alexander. My resentment towards Alexander and the wine propelled me to find solace with Clitus. My nerves are shot whenever I close my eyes I see myself with Clitus. I do not regret sleeping with him but I am worried now that if Alexander was to find out. I do not trust people and I am afraid that Clitus has told everyone that he fucked me. My heart rate picks up, I feel hot, and it's hard to breath. I see Clitus looking me over.

"Whatever you're thinking in that head of yours STOP; Alexander will not know Hephaestion; I will take it to my grave." He exclaims.

I run to my water bowl and throw up my stomach lurching when Clitus speaks my thoughts out loud. He hands me a towel

"I will meet you by the entrance like I always do, please do not cut yourself, you can do this"

He walks out leaving me alone with my worry.

There is no way I can go without cutting myself first. I am filled with anxiety my hands are shaking, he will know, you have betrayed Alexander. I kneel on the ground sitting on my feet my knife in hand. My arms look horrific slashes on top of scars. I need to stop there is no way I can hide these. One more time, I straighten out my arm holding my arm in place by my hand under my knees. I feel excited I push the tip of the knife into my flesh I exhale pulling down to create a line. The blood flows the pain is what I deserve. I cry out releasing the feelings of guilt, anxiety. I wrap my arm with cloth containing the blood within its fibers. I dress in Persian clothes long sleeves, pants. I try to brush my hair I have been neglecting it again mats are forming. It had finally grown some resting on my shoulders. I use my knife to saw away at the mats doing damage to the back. I do not care how I look. I just want this night over with. I am ready now; I walk down to the wedding party. I see Clitus waiting for me at the entrance he meets me half way a look of concern on his face

"Hephaestion, your hair" he says with concern

He takes my head and hugs it to his chest running his hands through my butchered hair. He holds my head in his hands as he looks into my eyes questioning my frame of mind. I push his arms away I look down at the ground.

"I am well" I lie

We walk to the wedding every once in a while I feel his hand on the small of my back guiding me.

"You are expected to greet her" Clitus leans down and informs me

"Then I can go?" I whisper

He squeezes the back of my arm, I walk up too them sitting together smiling I bow to her not looking her in the face.

"Who this" she asks, her Greek is primitive

"This is Hephaestion, my love he is one of my General's" he informs her. I visibly cringe when he calls her "my love."

I look up at him he is giving me a questioning look shaking his head. I smile a crooked smile

I do not have the strength to form a full smile.

"You will stay till the end" he informs me "I need to speak with you"

I nod "Of course" My heart sinks I cannot sit here all night I feel the panic rising. I walk back to Clitus and wait for the night to be over

Alexander

Roxana is leaving I tell her I will be there soon, kissing her good night. I search for Hephaestion he looked like shit when he introduced himself. His hair seemed shorter again, his eyes wild.

I am reminded of his breakdown. Does he do this on purpose? This drama every time he does not get my full attention. He knows I need an heir; he can be so selfish and demanding. I see him standing near Clitus; jealousy takes over me. I do not like them being friends I am all Hephaestion needs.

I walk to the circle of men talking and drinking. They congratulate me, I ignore them. Taking Hephaestion by his arm I pull him out from the circle.

"Come with me" I growl at him, pulling him off to the side. I see Clitus walk towards the edge of the circle watching us; this only pisses me off more. I am the son of Zeus, the King of Asia Hephaestion is mine and I will do as I please.

I shove him away from me almost pushing him to the ground he stumbles

"Alexander?" he looks at me questioning my aggressiveness. The men are watching.

"I invite you to come celebrate my wedding with me to and you show up looking like you are attending a funeral" I shout at him. Anger flashes across his face.

"You did not ask me here Alexander, you demanded it, why do you need me here to witness your love of another" he screams back at me

I look over and see the surprised looks of the men watching. How dare he embarrass me in front of them, I punch him in the mouth. He looks at me with those eyes full of hurt. I feel rage building inside me. I walk over to one of the men watching, leaning on a walking stick, I take it from him and turn back towards Hephaestion. His eyes widen with the knowledge of what I am going to do to him. I swing the cane and hit him across the back of his legs. He falls to his knees covering his head with his arms. I cannot see straight I swing over and over until someone takes the cane from me. It is Clitus. I look down at Hephaestion he is curled up protecting his head and face from my blows. I am immediately ashamed, what have I done?

I rush towards him kneeling beside him

"Hephaestion, Phai, I am so sorry please forgive me I did not mean it" I cry. He is rocking back and forth, he is somewhere else.

"Please Alexander, leave him be" Clitus pleads. I am ashamed, I look around and everyone is watching. I will talk to him tomorrow, he will forgive me then, tomorrow he will forgive me.

Hephaestion

I hear Clitus saying my name, he is kneeling in front of me his hands on my shoulders. "Hephaestion get up, can you get up?" he asks. I nod and stand. The back of my legs and my back are screaming everyone is staring. Clitus takes me by my arm leading me out quickly

He takes me to my room slamming the door behind us, I jump.

"How dare he treat you this way" he screams. He comes towards me pulling my tunic up off my back he lets out a breath.

"Oh Hephaestion" he cries. I know what my back must look like I have suffered this before.

"I am all right Clitus" I try to comfort him pulling my tunic back down.

"What can I do?" he asks. He has been so kind to me, I think of our night together. Does he love me? I am overwhelmed with need I need him to love me. I kiss him on the mouth.

"Hephaestion you can't be serious" he exclaims. I do not understand what he is saying sex is love is it not? Sex is everything, Alexander has taught me this. Sex is I am sorry sex is I trust you sex is I need you, sex is I love you. Sex proves it all and says it all. It is the only thing I have to give. I kiss him again on the mouth; lingering waiting for his response. I wait…Does he love me? Clitus growls and pulls my tunic off reaching down my pants he pulls me to him running his hands up the back of my legs and up my back. I inhale sharply as he manages to touch every bruise Alexander inflicted. He stops taking me by my upper arms pushing me away from him

"I can't Hephaestion" he says sharply.

"There is nowhere I can touch you that is not bruised or cut from your own hand. I do not want to hurt you" I do not understand what he is saying I lean forward, towards him trying to kiss him again.

"Stop" he barks

"It has been a long night we both need to rest" he says more gently. I blink as it registers what he is saying. He does not love me, I nod.

"Go to bed Hephaestion it has been a long night" Clitus tells me as he walks to my door

I remove my clothes and crawl into bed face down and I am asleep within minutes


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Alexander

I wake up with an instant feeling of guilt. I go directly to Hephaestion's room he is lying on his bed still sleeping. His back and legs are covered in bruises I am overwhelmed with guilt. I walk over to his bed sitting on the edge waiting for him to wake. It is not long before he stirs.

"Alexander?" He sits up slowly sitting on the edge of the bed with me. His forearms are wrapped in cloth his thighs have multiple slashes he is still cutting himself. I take his hand in mine.

"Can you ever forgive me Phai, I do not know what came over me" I beg

Hephaestion takes my hands in his

"Alexander, I will always forgive you" he whispers he is looking down at our hands. I do not know what I did to deserve him.

"Why do you forgive me, I do not deserve it" I tell him

He looks me in the face now his blue eyes reaching my soul

"Because I love you Alexander, I am nothing without you." I touch his face I kiss him, slow sucking on his lips. I hold the back of his neck with one hand holding his mouth to me kissing him. I stand without breaking the kiss. I push him away and down. He takes my cock and circles his tongue around the tip. He spits on his hand and runs it up and down my cock as he sucks. Gods he was good at this, better than Roxana not as good as Bagoas, I need to get them together again just thinking about them almost makes me cum. I pull my cock from him then moving towards him again herding him farther onto the bed. He lies on his back and I lay next to him on my side he faces me and I pull him closer, hugging him.

"Show me you love me" I tell him

He kisses my mouth running his hands over my body digging his fingers into my flesh. He licks my neck and bites it. He comes back to my mouth kissing me roughly, my teeth smash into his lip I can taste the blood. He moans. I pull his head back by his hair. His lip is already swollen I push his head down to my cock. He takes it as I lay on my back watching him work. I groan as he sucks harder, faster. I sit up moving towards the edge of the bed he follows me with my cock still in his mouth. We stand together kissing again. I lead him back towards the wall running my hands up the sides of his body aware of his bruises but not caring.

"Face the wall" I instruct him

He turns around holding himself away from the wall with his hands I encircle his waist and push into him he grunts as I shove my cock in to the root pulling out, then thrusting back in. His hands are clutched into fists as he holds himself away from the wall taking each thrust proving his love for me. I take his cock in my hand and begin to stroke it as I pump into him building speed, building. I cum as he leans his forehead onto the wall I pull out turning him so he is facing me. He winces as his back touches the wall.

"I do not like how close you are getting to Clitus" I inform him

His face goes from shock to despair I touch his face he can hide nothing from me.

"He is my friend Alexander he protects me" he says softly.

"Protects you from who Hephaestion? Me?" I ask feeling the anger creep in I see tears building in his eyes. Why the tears for Clitus, it makes me angry.

"I will have no one Alexander if you take him from me" he pleads

"You only need me Hephaestion, I will protect you, I will comfort you, I will satisfy you I am the only person you need, you will separate yourself from Clitus" I say this with a tone of finality

I take a handful of his hair pushing his head into the wall my face inches from his.

"Will you defy me" I ask bouncing his head off the wall to make my point clear.

"No Alexander I will not defy you" he submits

"Good" I smile and kiss him

Hephaestion

It is the last night of Alexander's wedding party I know I must go, Alexander expects it. I have not spoken with Clitus since last night he came to my room earlier and I pretended I was not there hiding from him not knowing how to tell him I could no longer talk to him. I should have spoken with him before the party I am regretting not answering when he knocked. I walked down to the festivities seeing Clitus standing by the entrance I feel like I could throw up. I stand far back, away from the entrance so Alexander will not see me speak to him. Clitus sees me he walks over he looks worried.

"I have been looking for you all day, are you well? What happened with Alexander?" He makes as if he is going to touch me I back away.

"I cannot be seen with you anymore Clitus, Alexander forbids it" I say in a rush

"Alexander forbids it? What are you talking about? Why would he tell you that?" he interrogates me.

"I don't know Clitus he said he did not like us being friends and that I was to stay away from you" my voice is becoming shaky. His face turns from questioning to rage he turns suddenly and walks away from me into the festivities. I stand there not knowing what to do, what is he going to do? I hear Clitus's voice.

"Alexander" he calls out. "Your arrogance is astonishing; you sit there with your barbarian wife as if you and you alone have gotten yourself here" I watch from the entrance as Alexander stands.

"Do you have grievances with me Clitus? Alexander questions.

"If I do would it matter? You have not taken council from the league thus far" Clitus challenges.

"You do as you want with no thought of the men who have sacrificed for you, you are more generous to the barbarians we conquer then you are to those of us who have stood by you" I walk closer to them seeing the look on Alexander's face, I know that look.

"Clitus you are close to treason with your words" Alexander warns

"Treason, disagreeing with you is treason? Your power has went to your head my dear King" Clitus snarls

"It is because of me that we have conquered all we have, it is because of me that you have the riches you have, the land you have acquired" Alexander boasts

"Doesn't your great pride fear the gods any longer?" Clitus screams out "Exiled to this godforsaken land far from our loved ones any comfort we try to establish is taken from us because of your own needs"

"Who else feels this way? Who is with him" Alexander shouts looking around at the men surrounding him.

"No one plots against you, have you no shame" Clitus bellows

"Arrest him for treason" Alexander demands. The men stand in shock, no one moving to do as Alexander bids. Alexander looks around I see anger and fear in his face as he loses control of himself. I watch as he takes a spear from one of his men and runs it through Clitus's chest.

Alexander is surrounded suddenly by his guards as they move him out of the room away from the chaos he has created.

I cannot comprehend what is happening I watch as Clitus falls to the ground blood gushing from his fatal wound his men rushing towards him, calling out his name.

Alexander has killed Clitus, Clitus is dead. I fall to my knees gasping for breath my whole body shaking my mind is screaming this is not happening this is my fault I have caused this. My head is spinning the commotion becomes muffled. My vision blurs, I pass out.

I come too by a guard slapping me in the face calling out my name "General Hephaestion, come with us, King Alexander is asking for you" He takes my arm, helping me to stand. I have an overwhelming feeling of dread.

_Alexander is going to kill you_

He knows about you and Clitus, Clitus is dead, Alexander has killed Clitus.

_You are next_

I try to run I do not know where I am going. I run straight to Clitus's body, sliding on the blood puddled around his body. I suddenly see my mother there on the floor covered in blood. I see a small boy knelling next to her, screaming out. My father is pulling me away from her I come back to the here and now as I am lifted off my feet by two guards one on each side of me, taking me to my death. I scream out, kicking, struggling doing all I can to get away from them. They drag me out and down the hall to Alexander's room. I kick out again, pushing myself away from the door with my feet.

_Alexander is going to kill you now_

I am dragged into his room; Ptolemy is there, Cassander, Crateros and Perdiccas. Alexander is pacing back and forth his face is full of anger. The guards throw me to the ground at his feet I scramble up turning around as I head back to the door. Alexander grabs me by my hair, pulling me back, Cassander and Crateros block the door. I am panting searching for a new escape route.

"Enough" Alexander screams out. Alexander punches me in the face, once, twice, the third time takes me down.

_Alexander is going to kill me _

He sits in a chair putting his head in his hands and begins to cry, a muffled sound at first then he is sobbing loud and desperate. The room goes quiet I know that sound, that desperate cry. I have felt it myself. I crawl over to him, putting my head in his lap, hugging his legs.

"I killed Clitus, he was my friend" he sobs uncontrollably. Leaning down, hugging my back, rocking. His men surround him, crowding him.

"Please, leave him with me" I beg.

Ptolemy tells the guards to wait outside; he herds the other men together pushing them towards the door they begin to argue.

"OUT!" Alexander screams. He is sobbing so hard now he cannot catch his breath. I have never seen him like this I take his face in my hands

"Alexander, Alexander I am here" I tell him as blood from my face drips down onto his lap. He looks at my face and cry's harder, touching my swollen cheek, wiping at the blood. My eye is swollen shut. He pulls me to him hugging me tightly.

"I am here Alexander" I whisper.


	17. Chapter 17

Alexander

Chapter 17

We begin our march into India. The men are distrustful of me, I do not care we are moving forward. I have done what was best for us, so be it. We are chasing Porus now, as he took over for Darius. There is always someone to take over. You can put them there yourself before you die or you can let them fight it out. Letting them fight it out sounds more interesting to me. Let the best man win. Roxana has still not sired me an heir, it is humiliating. I barely go to her now which could also be causing the problem.

Hephaestion has distanced himself from me. Clitus death had awakened Hephaestion's memories, he could recall the days leading up to his mother's death. How she had stayed in bed for days not responding to Hephaestion's pleas. His brothers Cadmus and Aetos leaving to go and retrieve their father Amyntor, he stayed by her bedside for day until he was forced to leave to speak with King Philip. That was when I had seen Hephaestion for the first time. Little did I know that the next day Hephaestion would find her floating in the bath; the water red with her blood. She had slashed her wrists. He had tried to pull her out from the water, calling out to her pulling her over to the steps his arms around her; he was too small to lift her completely out of the water. Amyntor found them there; he pulled Hephaestion away from her, howling out. Screaming at Hephaestion "Why did you leave her alone, I told you to stay with her"

Hephaestion could see now why his father treated him so poorly, blaming him for her death. He too blamed himself. He could see the similarities in his emotional behavior and his mother's. He was frightened by this. I was too.

He missed Clitus I could see the sorrow in his eyes. He seemed to close himself off, even from me. He barely spoke; he was having nightmares again. I could no longer comfort him. He would sit by the fire with his legs pulled up off the floor staring into the flames for hours. I would go to him kneeling in front of him rubbing his legs touching his face wiping away the tears. He would not respond to me, I would yell at him trying anything to get a response nothing worked. We had not had sex since Clitus died. I felt lost abandoned alone all the things Hephaestion must have been feeling. I was afraid to let him fight in battle, afraid he might throw himself in front of a spear; not defend himself against an enemy. I have never been fearful, this was a new feeling for me I hated it. If this was how Hephaestion felt most of his life; I could not even think of it. It made me sick.

There was talk of mutiny among the men. I do my best to convince them that we were following destiny. It was late as I walked into my tent I knew the minute I entered that something was wrong. I glance around everything looks as I left it, Hephaestion sitting in the chair near the fire. His arm is hanging over the side of the chair there is something dark on the ground near it. I walk closer I can see blood dripping off of his hand onto the floor. I stop and call out to him.

"Hephaestion?" he does not respond. I feel as if I am choking I move closer to the chair already knowing what I will see. I move to the front of the chair and look down at Hephaestion, he looks as if he is sleeping, and there is a slight smile on his lips. I wonder what he was thinking at the end. Was he thinking of me? He has slashed his wrists on both arms his lap is covered in blood where his one arm lays. The other drips and puddles on the floor. I kneel in front of him taking his face in my hands and kiss him softly on the lips, they are cold, blue. I feel a crushing feeling come over me I howl as I pull him into my arms falling onto the ground with him. My guards rush in taking in the situation; I order them out. I hear them calling for Ptolemy, Cassander, Craterus.

I lift Hephaestion in my arms and carry him to my bed. I lie down next to him pulling him to me he is so cold, I throw a blanket over him. I am pulled away from him. I will never be the same I am sure of it. My Patroclus is dead. I do not go back to the tent, it is dismantled and I have them burn it.

As we move I take a letter from my waist I have been carrying it around for a week now unable to read it. I open it and see Hephaestion's hand and my throat closes. My hands shake as I read his last thoughts:

_My dearest Alexander I will be forever grateful to you for saving me from myself for as long as you did. But just as you have your destiny I have mine. I have known since a boy that I have contained great amounts of sadness in me; for a brief time you took that sadness from me and replaced it with joy. I have loved you from the minute we met you have been my sun that I would rise too in the morning giving me a reason to exist. Just as you go on to fulfill your own destiny I must go to mine. This sadness in me is too great now I cannot push it away any longer and I can no longer burden you with it. I leave this note so you may know that I am not abandoning you as may think. I am freeing you. You are Alexander the Great. You must continue with your destiny as I have to mine I will be waiting for you as I always have. I will scout out our path in the afterlife waiting for you to come to me. _

_Forever yours Phai_


End file.
